Thursday, September 7, 2017

The Awful, No Good Summer

I'm sorry guys, truly.  I feel like all I do is not post for awhile, then when I do it's a bitch sesh.  In fact there is no "feel like", that's 100% what I'm doing.  I know I shouldn't say sorry for posting my feelings/experiences on my own blog.  Honestly like 10 people read it, I don't know why I freak out so much.  I get stuck between hoping I'm not annoying someone, but also hoping me being real helps people?  Like, I hate when you read a profile on someone who has lost weight and it sounds like, "I just started eating chicken salads overnight like the easy switch went on and lost 40 pounds.  No big!" I think we all know it ain't that easy and linear.

This summer has truly been the worst.  I preface this by saying that I have total white girl problems, and acknowledge that.  But yeah, I've struggled and it feels like one hit after another.  The weather, some personal family stuff, work, and a million other little things that I worry about and feel down about.  My list is vague just because some things are private, some things are topics I don't like to discuss on the blog like politics and some things are just difficult to explain in general.  But I feel anxious as a baseline anymore.  And the big hit this week has been the big Eagle Creek fire that's been raging in Oregon.  There hasn't been much national news about it, but we've had this horrible wildfire happening started by snot nosed teenagers with fireworks.  And just oh my GOD don't get me started on how much I despise fireworks as it is but...anyway, it's been so difficult.  It's burned down 30,000+ acres of the Columbia River Gorge, which is one of the most beautiful places in the world and nature's version of church.  I think all of Oregon is in a state of grief right now.

On a health note, it ties in because the smoke has been so bad that not only have we not seen the sun for a week, but you can't breathe basically.  Even in the house and office we've struggled to breathe, and my throat has been killing me.  The sneezing and coughing we've all been doing at work would be comical under any other circumstance.  We had a team meeting yesterday and when any one of us would speak, we'd start losing our voice or coughing.  It's insane and I've never experienced anything like it.  We've skipped our work walk for 2 days because of the air quality, and I haven't worked out at all.

There is a positive note as there always is to these things, but it has been awe inspiring to see the community come together to provide aid to those who had to evacuate.  It's been even more inspiring to watch firefighters go above and beyond to save the Gorge.  I'm sure even outsiders know of Multnomah Falls, which is truly one of the most breathtaking places in Oregon.  At the foot of it there is a historic almost 100 year old lodge, which seemed inevitable to succumb to the fire since the falls were surrounded.  Instead, firefighters stayed overnight with their backs literally against the lodge, fighting off the fire.  They did indeed manage to save it, and even thinking about it makes me emotional all over again.  They saved something beautiful and old that we all enjoyed as children, and now many more generations will be able to fall in love with it too.  It's the little things sometimes.

But anyway, that's kind of been my deal.  It's summer, there's been a parade of depressing stuff and it's miserable.

I don't know if anyone watched the revival of Twin Peaks (it feels like basically Eric and I are the only two people who watched it), but there is a character on there who rants constantly about "shoveling yourself out of the shit".  I was annoyed by the character at first but as the season went on I must of drunk the kool-aid because that phrase has been on repeat in my head.  I just feel stuck.  My pants feel so uncomfortable.  I don't feel good about my body.  My stomach feels utterly awful.  I have zero energy and honestly don't care.  I just find myself going through these cycles.  I know that I need to shovel myself out of the shit but I really don't know how.

For me, the most miserable and difficult part of weight loss and sticking to a healthy lifestyle has never been portion control, exercising or making healthy choices.  It's always, always, always that initial push to get back and stay on track.  I don't know why it's so hard for me.  I know what being healthy feels like.  I know how good it feels.  There is literally NOTHING good that comes out of backsliding into eating like shit and not being active.  I felt on top of the world at the end of spring, and now I look in the mirror and feel disgust, which I haven't really felt about myself in a long time.  The bitch of it is, this isn't even coming from a place of enjoying eating poorly.  Every meal I just feel eh about.  I don't even feel that hungry at meals, I just eat easy, crappy food out of sheer apathy.  

And of course the simple answer is, well bitch, get it together then.  It's not rocket science.  I get and acknowledge that.  Yet here I sit.  I just honestly feel like this summer has broken my brain and my spirit.  I know I need to care.  I know that only I can do that for myself.  I keep clinging to the fact that it's September, and summer officially ends on the 22nd.  I don't know why that seems like the be all end all, other than the fact that summer is just representing misery to me.  I don't mean to be dramatic, it's just what it is.

It is reaching a crisis point though.  My jeans are at a stage where a choice needs to be made.  Either I buy bigger pairs or shovel myself out of the shit and go back down a better path.  As tired and as apathetic as I feel, I brought in one of the weeks I liked the most on our Fitness Blender meal plan and set it up in my calendar.  I'm going to go shopping on Saturday and start trying to white knuckle my way back to where I was.  I've got to at this point, because admitting defeat and buying bigger pants isn't really an option.


  1. I hear ya. I'm feeling the same way. It's been a tough summer -- as I told my BFF the other day, I don't EVER remember a summer feeling so damn long (and hot) as this one.

    1. This summer can officially go away! I know people complained about the ice, but I will easily take that over this. At least that's whiskey weather! ;)

  2. The smoke in Oregon was really the kicker, on top of those few weeks of heat. We're a bit south of you and got some good rain yesterday, it seems to have cleared it up. That Gorge fire is just horrible. We're supposed to run a relay there next weekend (Gorgeous Relay) and it's uncertain whether it will go on.
    Re the impetus to "reboot" (I'm sick of that word, so please forgive it if you are too) - sometimes it feels like a chicken v. egg situation, i.e. if I make myself do something that I'm not feeling, like consistent exercise, the resulting positive energy then creates the motivation.
    Anyhoo, hope fall brings better things - I'm glad I found your blog, even the terrible, awful, no good, very bad posts ;) sometimes I need the honesty of others to feel ok about being a very flawed human myself.

    - Jaye

    1. Yes!! I saw that Madras and other areas of Portland got rain and was so very excited. I wish some would come to the valley, but it's more important for the fire affected areas to get it first.

      The fire has hard core affected me this week. One of my coworkers and I got nothing done Tuesday, we were so busy riding Twitter and waiting for an update on the Multnomah Falls lodge. We had just gone up with Eric, his sister and my BIL back in July and hiked there, and you really forget how beautiful and special the Gorge is and how privileged we hare to have it. I had this insane experience with a beautiful doe on our hike who let me get within touching distance of her (I didn't touch though!) and take a million photos. She was so peaceful and chill, and didn't mind me being there. I thought about her all day on Tuesday, wondering if she'd been able to make it out. Thinking of all the frightened animals and the poor people who have to grab up their stuff and make an escape has just gotten to me this week.

      Haha, I know what you mean about "rebooting", especially since I've done it about 8 billion times as the years have gone on. This is the longest stretch I've had in a really long time of just apathy, I'm disappointed in myself and feel childish or something? Like I thought I'd gotten past this and figured things out. I do think things cooling down will help. And not wanting to size up from where I am now and have worked so hard to be is a literal kick in the pants.

      Thanks for reading and commenting. :) Hopefully we'll all enjoy a nice fall with cleaner air soon!

  3. I know that the last thing you need is "advice" but I will offer a suggestion for your difficulty getting back into exercise. I know you tend to exercise alone and that makes slumps hard to overcome. Do you have any small group training options for working out locally? I know that sometimes just having a support group for people not letting you quit the group routine is super helpful. Working out alone is tough at times.

  4. I know that the last thing you need is "advice" but I will offer a suggestion for your difficulty getting back into exercise. I know you tend to exercise alone and that makes slumps hard to overcome. Do you have any small group training options for working out locally? I know that sometimes just having a support group for people not letting you quit the group routine is super helpful. Working out alone is tough at times.

  5. Woman, I feel you. You can get out of this slump, I know it.