I'm sorry guys, truly. I feel like all I do is not post for awhile, then when I do it's a bitch sesh. In fact there is no "feel like", that's 100% what I'm doing. I know I shouldn't say sorry for posting my feelings/experiences on my own blog. Honestly like 10 people read it, I don't know why I freak out so much. I get stuck between hoping I'm not annoying someone, but also hoping me being real helps people? Like, I hate when you read a profile on someone who has lost weight and it sounds like, "I just started eating chicken salads overnight like the easy switch went on and lost 40 pounds. No big!" I think we all know it ain't that easy and linear.
This summer has truly been the worst. I preface this by saying that I have total white girl problems, and acknowledge that. But yeah, I've struggled and it feels like one hit after another. The weather, some personal family stuff, work, and a million other little things that I worry about and feel down about. My list is vague just because some things are private, some things are topics I don't like to discuss on the blog like politics and some things are just difficult to explain in general. But I feel anxious as a baseline anymore. And the big hit this week has been the big Eagle Creek fire that's been raging in Oregon. There hasn't been much national news about it, but we've had this horrible wildfire happening started by snot nosed teenagers with fireworks. And just oh my GOD don't get me started on how much I despise fireworks as it is but...anyway, it's been so difficult. It's burned down 30,000+ acres of the Columbia River Gorge, which is one of the most beautiful places in the world and nature's version of church. I think all of Oregon is in a state of grief right now.
On a health note, it ties in because the smoke has been so bad that not only have we not seen the sun for a week, but you can't breathe basically. Even in the house and office we've struggled to breathe, and my throat has been killing me. The sneezing and coughing we've all been doing at work would be comical under any other circumstance. We had a team meeting yesterday and when any one of us would speak, we'd start losing our voice or coughing. It's insane and I've never experienced anything like it. We've skipped our work walk for 2 days because of the air quality, and I haven't worked out at all.
There is a positive note as there always is to these things, but it has been awe inspiring to see the community come together to provide aid to those who had to evacuate. It's been even more inspiring to watch firefighters go above and beyond to save the Gorge. I'm sure even outsiders know of Multnomah Falls, which is truly one of the most breathtaking places in Oregon. At the foot of it there is a historic almost 100 year old lodge, which seemed inevitable to succumb to the fire since the falls were surrounded. Instead, firefighters stayed overnight with their backs literally against the lodge, fighting off the fire. They did indeed manage to save it, and even thinking about it makes me emotional all over again. They saved something beautiful and old that we all enjoyed as children, and now many more generations will be able to fall in love with it too. It's the little things sometimes.
But anyway, that's kind of been my deal. It's summer, there's been a parade of depressing stuff and it's miserable.
I don't know if anyone watched the revival of Twin Peaks (it feels like basically Eric and I are the only two people who watched it), but there is a character on there who rants constantly about "shoveling yourself out of the shit". I was annoyed by the character at first but as the season went on I must of drunk the kool-aid because that phrase has been on repeat in my head. I just feel stuck. My pants feel so uncomfortable. I don't feel good about my body. My stomach feels utterly awful. I have zero energy and honestly don't care. I just find myself going through these cycles. I know that I need to shovel myself out of the shit but I really don't know how.
For me, the most miserable and difficult part of weight loss and sticking to a healthy lifestyle has never been portion control, exercising or making healthy choices. It's always, always, always that initial push to get back and stay on track. I don't know why it's so hard for me. I know what being healthy feels like. I know how good it feels. There is literally NOTHING good that comes out of backsliding into eating like shit and not being active. I felt on top of the world at the end of spring, and now I look in the mirror and feel disgust, which I haven't really felt about myself in a long time. The bitch of it is, this isn't even coming from a place of enjoying eating poorly. Every meal I just feel eh about. I don't even feel that hungry at meals, I just eat easy, crappy food out of sheer apathy.
And of course the simple answer is, well bitch, get it together then. It's not rocket science. I get and acknowledge that. Yet here I sit. I just honestly feel like this summer has broken my brain and my spirit. I know I need to care. I know that only I can do that for myself. I keep clinging to the fact that it's September, and summer officially ends on the 22nd. I don't know why that seems like the be all end all, other than the fact that summer is just representing misery to me. I don't mean to be dramatic, it's just what it is.
It is reaching a crisis point though. My jeans are at a stage where a choice needs to be made. Either I buy bigger pairs or shovel myself out of the shit and go back down a better path. As tired and as apathetic as I feel, I brought in one of the weeks I liked the most on our Fitness Blender meal plan and set it up in my calendar. I'm going to go shopping on Saturday and start trying to white knuckle my way back to where I was. I've got to at this point, because admitting defeat and buying bigger pants isn't really an option.