Thursday, August 17, 2017

Getting Better

I know that I'm well overdue for an update, especially after my last post!  Things are looking up a little, I know I was really glum last time, but it was just how I was (and somewhat still am) feeling.  I'm kind of starting to pull out of it though thankfully.

I know one should never self diagnose really, but I can pretty much say with confidence after the last month that I think I have reverse seasonal affective disorder.  It's something I've joked about over the years and I've always, always hated heat/summer, but this year really kind of brought home that 1) it's serious and 2) it's a pattern.  I realized that historically during the summer I get depressed, have difficulty coping with the most minor of stuff and experience a lot of lethargy and a feeling of hopelessness.  We had a heatwave the last two weeks that just about did me in (one day it got to 108).  Nothing got done.  I didn't cook, I didn't sleep well, and felt like an utter zombie at work.  The least little thing made me feel overwhelmed and tearful, and the sound of the AC and fans running constantly was beginning to really grate on me.  I could barely pull my shit together to prep for my SIL's visit last week.  (And if I wasn't depressed before, I definitely was after I got my electric bill for July, ouch.)  Inwardly I was screaming at myself to get it together and was so frustrated that I went from being so organized and on top of my health to being whiny bitch Mary from 2007.  And 2008.  And 2009.  You get the picture.

This week the heat broke, and it's like a switch got flipped back again.  I made a weekly menu for us the way I always do, I set up my workout calendar, I've been prepping meals, eating right, I'm sleeping well and feel a bit more like myself.  I've worked out every day and have felt great afterwards. Things haven't felt like such a struggle this week and I feel more level.  Knowing that fall is around the corner is making life bearable again.  It's made me realize the difference in my attitude and that clearly I am affected deeply by the weather.  It's been a bit of a mind f**k and made me have the "maybe this isn't funny" kind of epiphany.

Of course that brings up, what the hell should I do about this long term since I shouldn't just suffer for 3-4 months of the year.  I know the logical answer is "go to the doctor", but I have an almost pathological resistance to this on many levels.  I fought harder than I've ever fought for myself medically over my stomach issues, and no telling how many co-pays, elimination diets and wasted hours away from work later, the doctors never took me seriously and my stomach is still as ridiculous as ever.  And that's something in my mind that's serious, so the thought of walking into a doctor's office and saying that summer makes me sad and having them take me seriously?  Yeah, that'll happen.  I know that's a shitty attitude, but I've been burned by so many doctors over the years that the thought of having to go through some round of trying to get diagnosed with something makes me feel tired and drained.  And then what?  Do I go on medication?  It just all seems crazy and overwhelming to me.

Anyway, I guess that's down the road stuff that I need to figure out.  For the present, I definitely feel like I'm crawling out of a hole.  Between my sporadic workouts and crappy eating, I've lost some of my strength gains, so I've been taking it slow this week and ramping up again.  Instead of doing workouts that are 45 minutes of one thing, I've been doing combinations of short workouts.  For instance on Monday I did 15 minutes of HIIT followed by 10 minutes of lower body strength training.  Yesterday I started with 10 minutes of upper body strength training and ended with 20 minutes of ab work.  Yesterday was 10 minutes of lower body strength training and finishing off with 20 minutes of Pilates.  I've been striking the right balance it seems, because I've been sore after, but not painfully so.  As odd as this sounds, it feels good to be sore.  It just means muscle tears, and when those repair, I'll be stronger.  Rinse and repeat.  I've also found that doing several shorter workouts has somehow been less overwhelming, even though cumulatively I'm still working out the same amount.  It's easy to get through a set of strength training and push yourself when you know it's only 10 minutes.  Then I click the next video and say to myself "Oh this is only 15 minutes, I can get through that."  Cue the song "Head Games" by Foreigner.

I haven't really set a goal for next month (though my ladies and I are talking about a new challenge for September) and I'm not really stressing too hard with  my weight for the moment.  When I weighed this morning I was 182, which is thankfully down from a couple weeks ago.  That's the thing, if I get back into what I know works I don't have to worry about my weight because it will start coming off again.

Anyway, that's kind of the deal with all of that.  I actually have a lot more positive stuff to update with, including my SIL's visit, but this post is already so long!  Will write more soon!


  1. So glad you are on the verge of some cooler (much needed) temps and that you are coming out of the fog once more! I totally get it. This heat ain't no joke!

  2. So glad you are feeling better and writing again. Is your current location somewhere you need to live or is is possible for you and your husband to relocate somewhere which has less extreme summers?

    1. Thanks. :) I mean anything is possible, but the sad fact is I live in the Pacific Northwest, which I know most people think is nonstop rain. Our summers used to be super mild, in fact, that's one of the big reasons I wanted to live here was so that I wouldn't have to deal with bad weather like what I grew up with in the South. Every year it gets hotter and hotter here in the summers, it's honestly pretty sad and scary to watch. There have been many times we're hotter that Louisiana, which is just insane to me. Short of moving to Greenland, I think this is about as good as it's going to get for me. :(