Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Rambling

I've been trying to write this post (or any post really) on and off for two solid weeks.  I've been quietly riding the struggle bus for all of July, and it's been hard to find the motivation for much of anything, much less writing a post.  I'm forcing myself to do it today anyway though.

I don't really know what's up with me this month.  It's not like things are entirely off the rails and I'm binging or laying on the couch in the dark all day, but my spirit and a positive attitude really haven't been there at all.  It's hard to talk about and hard to explain, but things that usually are so easy for me feel like an absolute ordeal lately.  Putting together a simple salad for lunch feels like the equivalent of making a 6 course meal.  My 30 minute workouts that normally fly by and leave me feeling on top of the world have felt like never ending torture.  I wake up from a full 8 hours sleep and feel utterly exhausted.  I have zero interest in the blog, my music project or anything else that normally I'm all about.  It's been so frustrating, because at the end of the day I've got a great life and should be thankful.  But here I am, somehow mentally struggling.  Some days I constantly have a feeling of dread all day long, like something bad is going to happen at any second.  That's probably been the hardest because I feel like I have good instincts and intuition, so in my mind feeling like something bad will happen = 100% something bad will happen.  It's put me on edge and makes me feel like I'm in fight or flight a lot of the time, waiting for a shoe to drop that never does.  Other days its just been the exhaustion thing.  It's frustrating because it's felt so sudden.  Last month I felt like the love child of Wonder Woman and Arya Stark, this month I'm all Eeyore with a major tack in my ass.

It's not like there's some big bombshell horrible thing going on.  I mean, I've got stuff I'm dealing with, but it's things that normal people deal with like annoying work stuff, family stuff etc.  I'm not a special snowflake, it's all standard normal adult bs.  Yet I've just found myself kind of dragged down and feeling a bit defeated about tons a little things, death by a thousand cuts as it were.  I really hate it.  I don't even want to talk to anyone because I just feel like I'm not adding anything to the conversation other than crop dusting my shitty negativity all over the place.  It's why I haven't blogged either.  I did a gross amount of whining when I first started this thing.  Who wants to hear that nonsense?  No one, that's who.

I have tried my best to stay on track, and as I said, I'm not completely off the rails.  I'm like 80% staying with clean eating, so thankfully there's no junk in the house.  If binge eating happened, it would literally have to be with spinach, berries or rice cakes.  Honestly, I haven't even been that hungry and kind of have had to force myself to eat meals, so the danger for a binge hasn't really been there.  But I've gone from working out 6 days a week to maybe managing 2 days.  Too many treat meals, drinking and sweets are creeping back into our life.  None of it is to a crisis point, my weight is stable and maintaining, but I hate the feeling of not caring.  I really do.  Everything I do to stay on track is more out of obligation or faking it until I make it, not out of any enthusiasm or "Yay for health!"  I hate that too, because getting myself together with my workouts and eating was such a source of pride and happiness for me.  I've felt so good about my body the last few months.  I want to be genuinely happy and enthusiastic about it all again and put effort into it.

Anyway, I'm here.  I'm sure it will pass.  I'm still trucking along and doing my thing.  I promise the next post will be more positive!