So, I had a bad binge last night.
Binges are thankfully very few and far between for me now, but there are tell tale signs when I'm in the "danger zone" (1. I hate myself for typing that, 2. Do I have to give Kenny Loggins residuals?) I felt it coming all last week, just these feelings of being out of control and anxious that I could not get past. A lot is changing for me at work, and while it's ultimately all good and something I wanted, it's this big shift and very nerve wracking. There was also a lot of stuff that was disruptive to our normal routine that just had me feeling like I was flailing all week. These feelings were just building all week until I binged on Sunday. What was to be an evening of being super productive, prepping meals and some other household stuff that needed to be done turned into an evening of feeling really sick and gross. I'm very disappointed in myself. I knew deep in my heart that the "break" I was giving myself last week on eating and exercising didn't feel right. Even in writing my last post "I was like, you're BSing yourself girl", yet I didn't listen to myself.. Ultimately, it's a good reminder that one is never safe or out of the woods in this journey. You will fail and do an emotional face plant about a million times. All you can do is keep getting back up and walking forward. Yes it's exhausting as hell, but is there any other option really?
I am moving forward and took steps to get back on track today, starting by confessing to Eric what I'd done last night (he was gone when it happened). It's not like he's my keeper or my judge and jury, but the worst part about binge eating is the secretiveness of it. The binging in secret and then being ashamed in secret turns into a vicious cycle. I find that saying, "I'm not proud of this, but this happened" to someone I trust helps break the cycle for me. He of course was supportive as always, but also gently called me out on the fact that I didn't work out all last week, and that I should get back to it this week since it helps so much with my stress levels and emotions. And he's right, I'm always so mad at myself when I don't work out because I feel so good when I do! Forcing myself to do my workouts usually recalibrates my brain and could have possibly prevented the binge. I'm glad that we're at a point in our relationship where he can call me out on these things and be loving while also not enabling me. I rescheduled my new Fitness Blender program to start this Saturday (I was supposed to start it this weekend), and loaded my calendar this week with old favorites that I know I'll be enthusiastic about.
I ate way less today, not from a self punishment standpoint, but I honestly just didn't feel well physically due to the binge last night so I listened to that and respected it. I wasn't even hungry until 10:30, so I ate a banana as a late breakfast. Lunch was an English muffin with peanut butter and a clementine. Otherwise it's back to normal, and I do have our weekly menu planned/the groceries bought, so I'll be able to jump right back into it. Tonight we're having chicken noodle soup with vegetables, so I'm pretty enthused for that. I'm actually making homemade stock, so it should be extra tasty and also a nice gentle thing to eat. The only good thing about this rotten weather is that it's still cold enough for soup!
I also took steps to get organized and feel in control at work. I've got a lot of new job duties (and VP eyeballs on me) compared to before, so last week I was totally freaking out trying to get my ish together and worrying about screwing up. I came in today and right away made to do lists and assigned specific blocks of time for specific tasks instead of frantically trying to juggle everything at once. I couldn't believe what a difference it made to my day today and how much better I felt. It seems so simple and stupid, but sometimes these things are hindsight. Being organized and strict is not my strong suit as you guys know, but I am doing my best to work on that! It will definitely help me in the long run for work.
Anyway guys, thanks for hanging with me. It feels good to be honest about things and put it out there.