Monday, March 20, 2017

Entering the Confessional

So, I had a bad binge last night.

Binges are thankfully very few and far between for me now, but there are tell tale signs when I'm in the "danger zone" (1. I hate myself for typing that, 2. Do I have to give Kenny Loggins residuals?)  I felt it coming all last week, just these feelings of being out of control and anxious that I could not get past.  A lot is changing for me at work, and while it's ultimately all good and something I wanted, it's this big shift and very nerve wracking.  There was also a lot of stuff that was disruptive to our normal routine that just had me feeling like I was flailing all week.  These feelings were just building all week until I binged on Sunday.  What was to be an evening of being super productive, prepping meals and some other household stuff that needed to be done turned into an evening of feeling really sick and gross.  I'm very disappointed in myself.  I knew deep in my heart that the "break" I was giving myself last week on eating and exercising didn't feel right.  Even in writing my last post "I was like, you're BSing yourself girl", yet I didn't listen to myself..  Ultimately, it's a good reminder that one is never safe or out of the woods in this journey.  You will fail and do an emotional face plant about a million times.  All you can do is keep getting back up and walking forward.  Yes it's exhausting as hell, but is there any other option really?

I am moving forward and took steps to get back on track today, starting by confessing to Eric what I'd done last night (he was gone when it happened).  It's not like he's my keeper or my judge and jury, but the worst part about binge eating is the secretiveness of it.  The binging in secret and then being ashamed in secret turns into a vicious cycle.  I find that saying, "I'm not proud of this, but this happened" to someone I trust helps break the cycle for me.  He of course was supportive as always, but also gently called me out on the fact that I didn't work out all last week, and that I should get back to it this week since it helps so much with my stress levels and emotions.  And he's right, I'm always so mad at myself when I don't work out because I feel so good when I do!  Forcing myself to do my workouts usually recalibrates my brain and could have possibly prevented the binge.  I'm glad that we're at a point in our relationship where he can call me out on these things and be loving while also not enabling me.  I rescheduled my new Fitness Blender program to start this Saturday (I was supposed to start it this weekend), and loaded my calendar this week with old favorites that I know I'll be enthusiastic about.

I ate way less today, not from a self punishment standpoint, but I honestly just didn't feel well physically due to the binge last night so I listened to that and respected it.  I wasn't even hungry until 10:30, so I ate a banana as a late breakfast.  Lunch was an English muffin with peanut butter and a clementine.  Otherwise it's back to normal, and I do have our weekly menu planned/the groceries bought, so I'll be able to jump right back into it.  Tonight we're having chicken noodle soup with vegetables, so I'm pretty enthused for that.  I'm actually making homemade stock, so it should be extra tasty and also a nice gentle thing to eat.  The only good thing about this rotten weather is that it's still cold enough for soup!

I also took steps to get organized and feel in control at work.  I've got a lot of new job duties (and VP eyeballs on me) compared to before, so last week I was totally freaking out trying to get my ish together and worrying about screwing up.  I came in today and right away made to do lists and assigned specific blocks of time for specific tasks instead of frantically trying to juggle everything at once.  I couldn't believe what a difference it made to my day today and how much better I felt.  It seems so simple and stupid, but sometimes these things are hindsight.  Being organized and strict is not my strong suit as you guys know, but I am doing my best to work on that!  It will definitely help me in the long run for work.

Anyway guys, thanks for hanging with me.  It feels good to be honest about things and put it out there.




7 comments:

  1. Binging sucks, but I like that you pulled it out of the dark and exposed it to the light. Makes it far less intimidating, you know?

    Can I please say that it is NEVER too hot for soup, you are kidding yourself. But, glad you've got some homemade soup to enjoy.

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    1. I'm a hot blooded lady, if I eat hot soup when it's hot, I'll explode lol.

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  2. You did it and now it's over. Time to pull it all back together and get everything back in place. You are on the right track with the organization though. You got this.

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  3. Thank you so much for posting this. I have been doing very well with an intuitive eating approach for the past 6 months or so... then my husband went out of town for a while and I found myself back in binging habits. It was depressing to think that I would never be "free" of this behavior, but I've tried to frame it as just making a mistake. And I'll never be free of making mistakes - yesterday I came home from grocery shopping and put the eggs in the freezer. Found them this morning.
    I'm in western Oregon and the endless **** weather plays a role in this, I'm pretty sure. Best wishes - Jaye

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    1. Please forgive me, but I just laughed aloud at your egg story. I totally do stuff like that all the time, it's good to know I'm not alone in the sisterhood! And I loved the way you phased things as never being free of making mistakes, that's actually a really positive, healthy way to view the day to day of weight loss or weight maintenance. Mistakes can be reviwed and corrected ultimately. That's basically the approach I took with my binge, it was a mistake that I needed to take steps to correct and figure out how to try to prevent it in the future. I'm sorry that you have struggled a bit lately too, I'm glad to see another Oregonian who gets it. This has to be the worst/winter spring ever. I've only lived here 12 or 13 years, but it's definitely the worst one I remember!

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    2. I'm glad the untimely death of my free range eggs was good for something :)
      This is my first year in Oregon. On the plus side, I've learned how to bike commute through four inches of standing water.

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