Wednesday, May 25, 2016

A Meta Stream of Consciousness

Y'all I woke up feeling all meta and zen today.  I've been finding that's happening to me more and more lately as my weight continues to drop.  I just feel like I've shed a lot of crap and nonsense out of my life and am simplifying things.  I feel like I continue to shed that stuff and am getting closer to who I am fully supposed to be.

I am about halfway through my 8 week Fitness Blender program and guess what?  I have not skipped a single, solitary day of it.  Me, the person who hates schedules and following the rules has faithfully followed a schedule for 4 whole weeks!  There have been times where I've had to swap a rest day or double up 2 days of workouts in one due to late night concerts, but I have not missed a single workout in the program.  Not only have I not skipped a day, I bought another program of theirs specifically for lifting that starts immediately after this challenge ends.  It makes me feel really good about myself as a person and obviously makes me feel good physically.  I feel better about my body than I ever have, and if I could time travel and tell myself these things, I would have started strength training many years ago.

The crazy thing to me is how easily it's come to me.  Every day I get home from work and go right upstairs to do my workout without even really thinking about it.  It's like brushing my teeth or feeding the dog, it's just something I do every day that needs to be done.  No angst, no hand wringing, it just is.  Just like my teeth need to be brushed or they'll rot out, and the dog needs to be fed or she'll starve and riot in the streets, working out needs to happen or my body doesn't feel good and I won't reach my goals.  To not brush my teeth or feed the dog would be neglectful and weird.  Not working out feels the same way, to the point my rest days feel weird.   You read about these things in fitness magazines all the time, about making workouts non-negotiable and part of your day, but I've never been able to put it into practice until the last few months.  I'm not sure why, it was just something my brain couldn't do, until one day it clicked.  Now I get it.

I have to admit, running seems like a distant memory these days and that realization is all kind of part of the meta zen thought process I've had lately.  I just can't see myself doing another race, and definitely can't picture myself going out for a run just because I feel like it.  Lifting weights has been a bit of a revelation because for the first time, I am doing an activity where I can actually see consistent improvement.  I went from doing 5 pound deadlifts to now doing 15 pounds (and could comfortably do 20 if I had the weights).  That's consistent, I know I can go upstairs today and do a 15 pound deadlift, then walk up there the next day and do 15 pounds.  With running I just never could see or gain improvements.  Most of that is my fault because I didn't put in the work necessary and wasn't consistent, but some of it was the nature of running.  Some days you can go out there and feel like Usain Bolt, and then 2 days later for no reason, you'll feel like shit/cramp up/go slower.  Mentally that was very discouraging for me and I think contributed to why I had so much mental thrash with it and lack of motivation to be consistent.

The great thing about weights is that I had no baseline of what I'm "supposed" to lift, so I just started lifting what I could and didn't worry about it.  Then that weight got easier so I upped it.  Then that got easy, then I upped it again.  I imagine by the end of the program I'll be upping things yet again.  That progression has been amazing for my confidence and self esteem.  Watching muscles get defined little by little encourages me to keep going.  There's just an ease to it that I never felt with running.  Running always felt hard and like it would never be easy no matter what I did.  Lifting feels natural.

And I'm certainly not saying running is the devil or that I hate it.  I think it's an incredible sport, takes an great deal of effort and moxie and I will never cease to admire those I see out there getting it on a daily basis.  I think I've just realized it's not my calling or exercise of choice anymore, and that I'm okay with that.  I remember being so sad and stressed about this at the beginning of the year, but now I'm chill about it.  Hilarious considering my blog name, but it's okay.  It's part of my history and who I am, so the name stays.  Plus I paid for the domain!  ;)

Anyway, it's all a very long winded way of saying I'm happy.  I'm well.  I feel really good.


  1. Awesome job! You're so zen, it's like an effing Buddhist temple up in here.

    I'm not saying you should run, but I bet if you ran now, after all of your lifting you would notice a difference.

    Glad you are enjoying your workouts!

  2. I'm so glad you're doing so great with this workout program! It's clearly what is right for you right now!