Friday, April 1, 2016

Hitting Reset: AKA Get Over Yourself & Eat Some Effing Kale

I just realize that I've not posted much lately, so I need to remedy that!  In a nutshell I really struggled in March.  It is 100% due to this diet, it has completely and utterly thrown my world off balance to the point that it shames me.  

I have huge mental and emotional responses to any suggestion of having my food restricted.  I have no idea why, I certainly have no huge Dr. Phil Show worthy underlying secret or past event that I can think of that causes me to be this way.  I guess the closest thing I can come up with is that when I was super overweight, all I wanted in the world was to be normal.  That was my mantra, "why can't I just eat like a normal person and be thin?"  Then suddenly over the past year, I discovered how to do exactly what I've always dreamed of:  eat things I like, be a healthy weight, don't obsess about food and generally be normal.  I had food 100% figured out finally for the first time in my life, and doing this FODMAP thing yanked it out of my grasp.  I've reverted to my same behavior when I would force myself to do whatever weird diet du jour existed.  I feel frustrated, restricted and especially upset about eating out.  The restrictions on this diet are so weird that I've basically given up on trying to go out to eat for the most part.  It's simply too stressful and too much of a hassle.  I feel bad and like I've subjected Eric to BS food (to be clear, that is 100% my projection and neurosis, he always eats anything I make cheerfully and without complaint), so I stress even about meals I make.

I have stuck to the FODMAP diet 100%, and I will say, it has helped somewhat.  I am seeing patterns of being "regular", and Jessica would be so proud of me because I even take notes every single day about reactions/symptoms and poop.  (AKA worst diary ever).  But my day to day diet is absolutely atrocious because I feel paralyzed foodwise for some reason.  There's no reason for this, because there is plenty of stuff you can have on FODMAP, but I basically eat no vegetables.  I basically live on tortillas, Corn Thins, peanut butter and eggs.  I eat like the poorest of poor college students.  I let my feelings get in the way of my workouts, and basically stopped about mid month.  I mean I do walk at least one mile a day, but that's been about it.  In a nutshell, I've sucked.

But you know what, it's all got to stop.  And I apologize, because I'm about to get sweary, so I hope you have some pearls to clutch.  Anyway, I need to get over this, big time.  I stepped on the scale yesterday and weighed the exact same weight that I started March off with, 194.8.  The same. Fucking.  Weight.  I wasted a whole month wringing my hands and getting in my own way.  That is a month I could have been spending getting to goal.  Is the diet a huge change?  Yes  Should it have derailed me this much?  Absolutely not.  And now I'm really pissed at myself, like enormously.    I am a strong, independent, grown ass woman and a college graduate, and I let my feelings about some stupid ass TEMPORARY diet that is HELPING me derail my efforts.  Ridiculous.  So now, as my blog post title suggests April is officially the month of "get over yourself and eat some fucking kale".  I mean for heaven's sake you know, this is truly not that difficult.  You know what doesn't create an athletic body with lean muscle?  Sitting and wallowing and bitching about my feelings.  You know what will keep me stagnant and no where close to my goal?  Bitching and wallowing.  Seriously, I need to stop bitching and wallowing.

ANYWAYS, April will be different.  The diet will be continuing 100% until the week of the 18th, then the process of testing each FODMAP category will kick in and will be on going until the end of May.  All that withstanding, I am going to STFU and start adding FODMAP friendly vegetables as meal sides and likely making separate meals for myself.  That takes the stress out of me feeling bad for making Eric eat bland food, and I can just mind my own plate and calm the hell down.  And I need to quit eating like a garbage disposal, which is what I've been doing.  I know better.  It's not that difficult to get some bags of frozen vegetables and add them as meal sides.  Like for real.

And I'm going to get back to my HIIT and arm workouts, which I was loving actually.  I love seeing new muscle definition in my body, I like how being stronger makes me feel and how it makes my body look.  I'm going to keep up with my walks and not skip any, and I'm going to hit my goal minutes of activity (1500!) for the month.  In other words, I'm going to get on with it.  And yes, I did eat kale today.  I shut up and threw a handful in a smoothie this morning and also made a rather large kale salad.  I feel different and feel good, and I know things will be better this month.

2 comments:

  1. I so relate to "I just want to eat like a normal person." I have confidence with your fierce determination you are going to back to that place :)

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  2. OMG...I wanna be YOU when I grow up! I need some of this attitude in my life right now, like, for real. I am so overstressed, and I'm blaming all my slackness on being overstressed all the time. It Has To Stop. Now. Go, sistah....and that extra weight you feel is just me hanging on to your coat tails! :)

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