Previous Weight: 193.2
Current Weight: 195.8
Difference: +2.6 pounds
Oof...well, I guess we know what staycation fun gets you, it's a 2.6 pound gain. I pretty much expected it since we really did go a bit nuts, plus I've had issues in the evening this week with snacking and not tracking my calories. I guess on a positive note I no longer have the delusions of "oh I have no idea why I gained." I ate more than I should have, didn't exercise enough and I didn't track everything I was eating, simple as that. And gains are what happen when I do that. I think the saddest thing is, it wasn't even worth it. The food we ate and amount of alcohol we drank made me physically feel like absolute crap. The unchecked snacking makes me feel guilty and like crap. So the sensible solution is to just not do those things! I'm sure I'll be down again come next Thursday.
The Running Conundrum
So you have not heard me talk about running for many months now and for very good reason, I haven't done any! It kind of began with needing a break after the Seattle Half, but it's become this full blown "thing" where I am completely adverse to the idea of running due to my training experience over the summer. Whenever I even think about going for a run, I start to feel panicky and remember last summer and how badly my aductor injury hurt, how much my feet hurt, and how miserably hot I was. It was also the period where the situation with my dad was at its worst and most upsetting, and I unfortunately associate running with that situation now. I thought it was a matter of slaying the dragon, that if I just got out and did it that it would help things. Unfortunately, it did the opposite. I tried to go for a run over the weekend and quit after a half mile because every negative thing started playing over and over again in my mind and my anxiety started going through the roof. Physically I felt fine, but mentally and emotionally I felt almost damaged afterwards. I was pissy and upset for well over 2 hours afterwards, which is usually the opposite of what happens to me after a run.
I've really hardcore struggled the last few months with the this new attitude towards running. I have always had periods where I've taken breaks from running, then I sign up for races and get right back into it, but I've never flat out felt hatred towards it. I won't lie, experiencing that feeling has been upsetting and I feel a bit like I'm losing a part of myself and my identity. It's very difficult to put into words. Do I think I'm done with running forever? No, it doesn't really feel like that. I still feel a pang when I see other people running in the afternoons, and I don't think I'd feel that if I was done for forever. Do I think it will be a very long time before I want to? Most definitely. I finally feel at peace with taking a very long running hiatus after this weekend, but it's still very weird. But part of this new lifestyle is me knowing when to push and when not to, and I feel comfortable with saying this is an area where I genuinely need a break.
Besides all of the emotional crap, there is the weight loss part I worry about. The fact of the matter is that running was a great way for me to stay toned up and burn plenty of calories to help me hit my goals. Without it, I feel like both my legs and stomach are flabby and I miss the sensation of working hard, so now I need to find something to replace running. I've cobbled together a challenge for myself in March with hand weights and resistance exercises, which I think will be excellent for both the toning and filling that need to work a bit harder than my gentle walking I've been doing every day.
A Week of Meals
Lately I've been so inspired by Katie's posts on calorie counting and what she eats on a daily basis, especially since she is now in the 120's. It's been a good reminder for me that reaching my weight goals are possible while still being a "normal" person. If I can get my shit together enough to remember to take pictures next week, I'd also like to follow her lead and post pictures and a food log of my meals and the types of things I eat on a daily basis just to show people you don't have to be miserable to lose weight. Stay tuned I guess, because we all know that I tend to be a bit derpy and forget to do these things! Starting next week, I'll document some of my meals (that will also be good incentive to not snack when I'm not supposed to!)
I think it's important to show the success of a CICO (Calories In, Calories Out) lifestyle, and to give people the permission and freedom to enjoy their lives while also getting to and maintaining a healthy weight. I'm so glad Katie is doing that, and I also want to show people that you can have a variety of meals while also eating things you like.
Ultimately, I remember what it was like to feel ashamed, resentful, angry and get into that cycle of beating yourself up over wanting to eat "real" food. I'd be on whatever crazy diet where you can't have whatever thing, and be so resentful about it and have a horrible attitude towards myself. The PINK Method is a good example, basically it's a vegan and gluten free diet, (shockingly I lasted about 6 months on it) and in the first phase you can't even really have much fruit because of evil sugar! My inner dialogue went something like this: "Man I really want cheese, but I can't because I'm on this diet, and I wouldn't have to BE on this diet if I wasn't so fat and disgusting. How did I let myself get like this, I'm such a freak I can't even have what normal people eat. Why can't I just be normal? Why can't I just eat what everyone else eats?" So on and so forth.
Let me tell you, that's a horrible way to live and feel about yourself. It also mentally turns you against healthier food, because that's what "bad" people eat as punishment for being fat, while everyone else gets to enjoy chocolate, burgers, etc. It took me a long time to change my thinking and realize that I can have anything on God's green earth I want, it just has to be in sensible portions that I track. I also discovered that healthy food is just as if not more enjoyable than the "real" food, and that I love incorporating it into my day to day. I no longer view things like salads as a punishment, they're something beautiful and tasty that I enjoy! I also discovered that hundreds of "normal" people track their food and count calories, hence the reason they are slim and healthy. Counting calories and keeping on top of things isn't something I do as a horrible fat person, it's actually a very normal person thing to do! I can't tell you how freeing it is to just eat without agonizing about if it's something I'm "supposed" to eat! I'm not saying every day is a picnic, it's still a lot of work to plan meals, log recipes and count calories. But it's not a mental and emotional struggle at least, and I don't feel resentful or anxious anymore.
Here's to finishing the week out strong and staying on top of things. I'll prep that CICO post and a log of what I eat next week, so be on the lookout!