Friday, November 13, 2015

Striving to Greater

Hey everyone!  This weekend we are going out of town to the mountains for some much needed relaxation.  I have been looking forward to this since I booked the cabin a couple of weeks ago, we basically packed a bunch of wine, funny movies and nice cheeses and not much else!  (Of course all of Molly's crap takes up half our luggage.) It will be nice to sit still for a weekend and take a break from running around.

I'm not going to lie to you guys, I have continued to struggle in my day to day life.  I wish that I could be that inspirational person that's all like "oh I'm triumphing over all the bad in my life by running and losing weight", but I have struggled to get back to that mentality.  I hesitate to talk about it because I'm a private person, and speaking honestly about things on the internet potentially opens you up for all kinds of negative stuff.  But then again, if I am honest, maybe it helps someone reading this and helps them feel less alone.  Mental health and physical health are both still part of being healthy, and this blog is about health and honesty so, I'm talking about it.  Plus you guys probably notice there hasn't been much talk of running or eating right lately, and I do feel an obligation to be honest and not blow smoke up everyone's ass.

Yes, I am struggling.  I am not well.  It has been frustrating and very difficult, because I am struggling with feelings of not caring right now about running or my weight, yet at the same time caring very much.  I have made so much progress in the last year, and am starting to let that slip away because of depression.  I am frustrated because I have 100% figured out what works for me from a physical health and weight loss front, and there is not a single thing or excuse holding me back, but I am dealing with a mental block that I can't pinpoint or explain.   What I need to do is very clear and actually quite simple, and I know logically that exercise would make me feel better and help the depression, but getting out of the door to do it is another matter.  It feels like the mental equivalent of lifting a 200 pound barbell.  I know I'm capable of pushing past tough times and doing it, as evidenced by getting out and getting my runs done when it was miserably hot, but this has been a whole different thing.  It's no secret that my family situation has fully caused my depression, followed by a side of fear and depression over my ever worsening GI issues.  The big dramatic stuff has gone away, so now that there is a lull in the storm, I've had an unexpected surge of sadness and fallout that I am dealing with.  It's affected my health, my weight and my general enjoyment of life.  I am not excited or happy for things I am normally over the moon for, such as my upcoming race, Thanksgiving, or Christmas and our million little traditions that surround it.  I have so much to be happy and grateful for, but I seem unable to manage any type of excitement or motivation.  I thought I would snap out of this after a point, so I've been trying the "fake it till you make it" tactic.  But after dealing with this for several weeks, I can't kid myself that it's that cut and dry.

I don't want to lose what I worked very hard for this year, specifically around my weight and all of the happiness and confidence it's given me.  I took the first step yesterday in admitting and  talking about my feelings to people I care about very much.  Eric of course, who is just about the best husband anyone could ask for, and of course my Lovely Ladies group, who are always so amazing and kind and rally around each another.  (Seriously ladies, love you so much!) I got tons of support and great advice from all sides, from little things such as striving for one positive action a day, to bigger advice such as calling in professional big guns.  I definitely have a lot to think about, and it's another reason I'm so happy we're going up to the cabin this weekend.  It will be great to get out of my element and routine, with no phone/internet distractions, and determining what will be right for me to start feeling better mentally.

I also took the step of making another doctor's appointment to make my case to the doctor about my crazy insides, and to basically force him to start running tests.  In the midst of everything yesterday and feeling incredibly low and miserable, I decided it was crazy to just passively sit and be scared and feel sick all of the time without doing anything about it.  I do hate doctors and feel upset when they take my copay but don't take me seriously, but I have to take a stand on this since I know something isn't right.  This isn't "oh take Miralax and you'll be fine", it's definitely bigger than that, and I will just have to convince him of that.  It truly does cause depression and terrible feelings about my body, as it would anyone if you went anywhere from a week to two weeks without a big potty.  More importantly, it isn't normal and it's getting worse.  I need it to get better.

Since I'm trying to turn things around by being positive, I am definitely happy and proud of myself for not letting this fester, and for taking steps to do something to make my life better now instead of waiting.  In the past I would just have let something like this go for months and gained my weight back, so I definitely feel like I've grown as a person for saying "enough's enough" after a couple of months.  I am still young, have so many wonderful things and people in my life, and I know I'm capable to achieving my goals.  There is no reason for me to wait to feel good, and I shouldn't hold back on doing what it takes to be my best self.  Maybe it doesn't happen right away, but I can try.

Speaking of positive world views, this article on NBC today caught my eye:  Share Kindness

Obviously we should all strive to be kind every day, though I do struggle with that being the impatient old salty bat that I am, but the holidays are always a good reminder to cut everyone some slack and try to make the world a better place.  Personally, I don't know how I feel about having a campaign with a hashtag that screams of self indulgent, "look at me, I'm a decent person doing nice things".  But if it gets people off their ass and doing nice stuff for others, I won't side eye it too much I guess.  I probably won't be hashtagging about it, but as part of healing, evolving and getting back a better place, I do want to try to be kinder in my day to day living.  Complimenting people and being more patient literally costs me nothing, and I should make more efforts to be like that.  Being kind is something that obviously makes others happy, but being kind would make me happy and feel good too.

Anyways, I didn't mean to get all heavy and serious on a Friday, that's just kind of what's going on.  I know things will be better at some point, it's just going to take some work.  I hope you guys have a wonderful weekend, and I will be doing the same!


  1. I truly hope you have a wonderful and stress free weekend. You are most definitely taking a pro active stance with everything and I applaud you for that.

  2. You know what? You take as much time as you need. You are really mourning, as it seems to me. Mourning a loss of a person that was there your whole life, and now isn't. There isn't a time limit on that.....

    Now lets talk poop. I have my own issues with poop. I recently started taking a probiotic that has seriously made a HUGE difference. Its made my Probiotic America. I don't usually watch stupid videos regarding any type of health issues, that pop up on FB, but I did this one. Still don't know what prompted me to do so though........Anyway, I feel a TON better. Mood included! Might be something to look into?

    Anyway, do what you gotta do to take care of yourself. And take however long you need to do that.

    1. It's amazing what a crappy mood (yes pun intended) constipation can cause. It's seriously the worst. Thank you so much for your supportive comment, it means a lot to me that the readers who reach out are always so positive and kind! I started taking a probiotic this week, so fingers crossed!

    2. From research that I have done, the key to a good probiotic is the number of strains it has in it. You don't want just one strain of good bacteria. And the number of CFU's. The more the better! The one I'm taking has 30billion CFU's and 15 strains.

      Good luck to you!

  3. I recently started reading your blog and I love your sassy attitude and sense of humor. And your diva dog of course!

    Mental and physical health are so completely linked. I was diagnosed with a chronic, painful autoimmune disease 3 years ago in my 30s. It threw me into a depression that I could not shake. The physical pain was horrible, but the mental part was bad too. I white knuckled through life for the next 2 years but it wasn't easy, and the pain colored all of my experiences. Events that should have been purely happy, like my wedding, were very bittersweet. I started to reconcile to living a mixed-blessing life forever.

    Then I met a new medical specialist who started me on a different treatment regimen, and it started to work. For the last 8 months I've had only 25% of the pain that I used to have, and life is full and bright again. The thing is, I am so much stronger now mentally and emotionally. Having gone through that made me a better person. I have more empathy for others with chronic physical and/or mental disabilities, and I understand that there are no promises in life. If today is a sunny day with no pain, that's enough to be happy (and go for a run). Tomorrow is out of my hands.

    I hope that the same happens for you - that you will find a medical solution that works for you, and that you will come out from the other side of this emotional pain and see how much bigger and stronger you are. Enjoy your vacation! And you're right to fill your heart with kindness and love for the world - that feeling helped me through some tough times. -Jaye

    1. Thank you so much Jaye, and I'm so sorry to hear about your diagnosis. I am happy that you've found treatment that will allow you to live your life in a more comfortable and happy way! Thank you so much for being supportive and kind, and thanks for reading. I'm definitely trying to turn some things around with treatment and positivity!

  4. I can relate to so much in this absolutely make me feel less alone.