The older I've become I've become more of an introvert and tend to be happiest with friendships that are flexible. You know the type of friendship I'm talking about, where you and the person have the silent understanding that while we may not chat multiple times a week or see one another often, we're always there for one another and can pick up right where we left off when we do get together. That we're all adults with busy lives, but it doesn't mean we don't care deeply for one another. There are times I watch shows like Sex and the City and wish I could be one of those women who has her "squad" she goes to brunch with once a week and talks to constantly (for the record, I am Miranda), but at the end of the day I'm not that person. Even the flexible friendship place is difficult for me to get to with just anyone, I tend to be very cautious and find it difficult to trust people. It's a bit of a defect in me since I probably come across as somewhat aloof when I first meet people, but it's really more of a shyness/fear thing.
But the depression and family hardship thing has been interesting because it's highlighted some very solid people I have in my life whom I trust completely despite myself. Friends I've reconnected with (attention, M! Best part of my year, for real.) and friends I've established a deeper connection with over the past few months. Not only have I gotten such great support, but I've had some who have trusted me enough to share their own stories of depression and hardship. It's not that I feel better hearing their stories, but it's helped me to not feel alone or ashamed that I am having the feelings I have. It means a lot to me.
People have funny ideas about what defines family, but I think family is anything you want it to be. Family isn't always the family you are born with, it's often the family you make. I've come to realize this week that yes, I lost a family member who I was born with, but lately have gained so many new ones who make me feel good about myself, accept me as is and support me when things are darkest. It doesn't "fix" things, but it helps knowing there can be pockets of happiness to be found when things are tough.
Writing down positive affirmations or whatever you want to call them have been going well the last few days. My little positive thoughts are nothing Earth shattering, just things that made me smile or take pause and say "the world isn't so bad of a place." Sometimes it's something as simple as a silly face Molly made that made me laugh, or the shocked/happy look on my boss's face when we gave him a bag of gourmet coffee beans this week. Just warm feels stuff. The 3 healthy things a day observations have helped too, and I've found it funny that suddenly I'm not white knuckling tracking my food. It's just kind of been my old attitude of "oh, I'm tracking my food and it's just a thing I do." I am taking it slow and will start adding in more activity (currently I do walks with coworkers) on top of it. But I feel good and more hopeful about my health than before, that's for sure.
I even felt a thread of excitement last night when Eric pulled up our vacation rental in Seattle for next week. I'd forgotten how cute the place is, plus it has a nice view of the Space Needle from the balcony! I have no expectations on the race at this point since I haven't run since Halloween, I certainly won't PR, but I know that I will go out and do the best that I can. It's better than quitting and not running the race at all, so I am happy with that and feel good about it. I actually got some special tights for the race which will remain a secret until race day, and plan to go shopping for a couple more items this week and testing them out before we go.
I hope you all are having a good week!