Sunday, November 22, 2015

One Week

This year is blowing my mind.  It felt like the stupid summer was never going to end, and all during the heat I was like "I can't wait for it to be cold."  Now here we are, it's cold and Thanksgiving is less than a week away!  Where did the year go?  I desperately want things to slow down so that I can fully enjoy the holidays.  The other unbelievable thing is that in a week, I will be lining up in my corral for the Seattle Half Marathon.

I fully admit that I have not run a step since Halloween.  Besides the emotional crap going on, I was so depressed over my injuries that I just kind of gave up and decided to just line up at the race, and whatever happens happens.  I know that's a terrible attitude to take, but it's just the place I was and kind of still am in.

Before all of this got rolling, I ordered some novelty tights that I was very excited about for my race, but they are paper thin so I hard to find a way to make them less publicly indecent.  After having no luck finding a running skirt, I decided to try putting the tights over the black Cold Gear tights that I already own, which will probably be smart since it is going to be very cold in Seattle and I will need all of the layers I can get!  Admittedly I am not the biggest fan of these tights and don't wear them very much, but decided to take a short walk/run yesterday to test out the outfit I plan to wear for the race, just to make sure it's not uncomfortable.

Poor Molly has been climbing the walls and I feel guilty that she never gets her long walks anymore, so I took her with me.  Much like the old days I thought I could walk her a mile, then put her in the car while I ran.  We had to bundle up because it was 34 degrees when we started out!

Most of the beautiful fall colors have sadly faded, but there is still a tree here and there stubbornly hanging on to their leaves.  I had to stop and take a picture of this tree, it looked like a beautiful flame with the sun hitting it.  As always, pictures can't do it justice.

There is ALWAYS time for selfies...

The walk with Molly was fine, just the typical dragging ass pace because she has to sniff every little thing and pee 700 times.  But she was so happy to be out there that I resolved to try to take her out more instead of sitting on my dead behind all the time.  After a mile I put her back in the car and set out to do a quick run.

So, I have mixed feelings on the outfit front.  Everything is technically comfortable and I'm not worried about chafing, it's more that the Cold Gear tights are annoying because they are a little too big, so I'll have to pull them up some during the race.  Not the biggest deal, I can handle it for a half marathon, but it's not ideal I guess.  The novelty tights worked out fine, it's just the tights under them that were annoying.  The bigger concern is my leg, because the same tendon that was bothering me before immediately started hurting as soon as I started running.  I literally wanted to put my fist through something, and the phrase "I'm so f**king done with running" may have been muttered about 25 times.  It really is so frustrating and I don't understand what's going on.  3 weeks of rest should have been PLENTY of healing time for my leg, but apparently not.  I ran for a half mile (at a sub 11 pace that actually felt easy!!!), and my leg was so sore with just that little distance that I decided to cut the run.

Part of me is devastated and scared shitless for this half, and the other part of me is in full on "Screw it, YOLO" mode.  My leg doesn't bother me in the slightest when I am walking, so absolutely worst case, I can walk the course if things get bad.  Otherwise, I'm just going to treat my legs well this week and show up to the race ready to finish it one way or another.  It's all I can do.

So I have spoken often about my Lovely Ladies group, and how wonderful and supportive they are.  This week they made me cry AT work, but in a good way!  My friend Anna from Losing My Puppy posted to the group this week that she knew how badly I'd wanted to be able to do the full marathon, and proposed that which ever ladies wanted to could divide up the remaining 13.1 miles among themselves and "finish" a full for me next Sunday as I was running.   When I saw the post, I sat in shock for a minute and then struggled unsuccessfully to hold back tears.  I love my group so much, it really has become this very rare safe place of full on support for both fitness and the things going on in our lives.  Even if the race gets tough, knowing my friends are running or walking all over the country to support me will be enough to get me through.

I wanted to end with some funny pictures of my garden, which seems to be in full on denial that it's going to be December in a very short while.  My roses have never looked better, and in fact my Mr Lincoln bush has one beautiful red rose bud on it.  My nasturtiums are going so crazy and constantly blooming that I don't have the heart to pull them up.

I planted celery in late spring of this year, and the crappy summer we had killed the plants, or so I thought.  I looked out yesterday and realized that my celery decided to rally and come back.  I am going to try to protect the plants as much as I can and see if they will make it.

My snapdragons also decided that it's never too late to bloom, and the plants are loaded down with buds!

My Sungold tomato plant decided to have a second run of tomatoes that likely won't ripen on the vine, but maybe I'll still pick them and see if they ripen in the window.

And last but not least, my ever infuriating kiwi vines.  The drought hit it hard and the kiwis are simply awful.  They are dry and more sour than vinegar, not even the birds or squirrels will touch them, but they do look awfully pretty and inviting while sitting on the vines.

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Being Positive, Gaining Family

The past week or so has been very interesting.

The older I've become I've become more of an introvert and tend to be happiest with friendships that are flexible.  You know the type of friendship I'm talking about, where you and the person have the silent understanding that while we may not chat multiple times a week or see one another often, we're always there for one another and can pick up right where we left off when we do get together.  That we're all adults with busy lives, but it doesn't mean we don't care deeply for one another.  There are times I watch shows like Sex and the City and wish I could be one of those women who has her "squad" she goes to brunch with once a week and talks to constantly (for the record, I am Miranda), but at the end of the day I'm not that person.  Even the flexible friendship place is difficult for me to get to with just anyone, I tend to be very cautious and find it difficult to trust people.  It's a bit of a defect in me since I probably come across as somewhat aloof when I first meet people, but it's really more of a shyness/fear thing.  

But the depression and family hardship thing has been interesting because it's highlighted some very solid people I have in my life whom I trust completely despite myself.  Friends I've reconnected with (attention, M!  Best part of my year, for real.) and friends I've established a deeper connection with over the past few months.  Not only have I gotten such great support, but I've had some who have trusted me enough to share their own stories of depression and hardship.  It's not that I feel better hearing their stories, but it's helped me to not feel alone or ashamed that I am having the feelings I have.  It means a lot to me.

People have funny ideas about what defines family, but I think family is anything you want it to be.  Family isn't always the family you are born with, it's often the family you make.  I've come to realize this week that yes, I lost a family member who  I was born with, but lately have gained so many new ones who make me feel good about myself, accept me as is and support me when things are darkest.  It doesn't "fix" things, but it helps knowing there can be pockets of happiness to be found when things are tough. 

Writing down positive affirmations or whatever you want to call them have been going well the last few days.  My little positive thoughts are nothing Earth shattering, just things that made me smile or take pause and say "the world isn't so bad of a place."  Sometimes it's something as simple as a silly face Molly made that made me laugh, or the shocked/happy look on my boss's face when we gave him a bag of gourmet coffee beans this week.  Just warm feels stuff.  The 3 healthy things a day observations have helped too, and I've found it funny that suddenly I'm not white knuckling tracking my food.  It's just kind of been my old attitude of  "oh, I'm tracking my food and it's just a thing I do."  I am taking it slow and will start adding in more activity (currently I do walks with coworkers) on top of it.  But I feel good and more hopeful about my health than before, that's for sure.

I even felt a thread of excitement last night when Eric pulled up our vacation rental in Seattle for next week.  I'd forgotten how cute the place is, plus it has a nice view of the Space Needle from the balcony!  I have no expectations on the race at this point since I haven't run since Halloween, I certainly won't PR, but I know that I will go out and do the best that I can.  It's better than quitting and not running the race at all, so I am happy with that and feel good about it.  I actually got some special tights for the race which will remain a secret until race day, and plan to go shopping for a couple more items this week and testing them out before we go.  

I hope you all are having a good week!

Monday, November 16, 2015

Back from the Wilderness!

Our cabin vacation this weekend was very nice and just what I needed.  Mt. Hood is my happy place and it had been awhile since we'd been up there.  We really didn't do much of anything, mostly just relaxed by the fireplace and drank, but basically that was the intent of the trip!  I made a pretty killer cheese place our first night there, and had sparkling wine with it.  And yes, there's basically never a moment where Molly isn't keeping a very close eagle eye on our food.

The weather was chilly but not as chilly as I was hoping.  Things basically looked like the picture below (in other words, like the Twin Peaks intro) for a majority of the weekend.  It did begin to snow the morning we left, though it was very wet and didn't stick.  All of the businesses were so excited, everyone we talked to was pretty giddy at the prospect of snow, which is the complete opposite of the city.  Of course, snow and ski tourism up to Timberline Lodge and Mt.  Hood Meadows is crucial up there, and the ski season last year was horrible due to the lack of snow and the drought we had this year.  Hopefully things are better for them this year!

Molly was awful at the beginning of our stay at the cabin and was incredibly anxious the first night because she is a delicate flower.  She kind of did this to us the last time we had a cabin vacation, so this time I was a bit more prepared to handle things and try to calm her anxiety.  I brought several of her interactive treat toys and also made her a frozen Kong (Kong filled with kibble, topped with wet food and then frozen), so whenever we'd leave I'd put all of these things down for her to work on.  When she'd focus on her toys, we'd quietly slip out of the house like no-drama ghosts and that tactic seemed to work for the most part.  She finally settled into the groove right about the time we had to turn around and leave!

Eric and I definitely had fun, and there were also lots of great conversations and reflection about the past year and the best way to move forward.  I think I likely will call someone a little above everyone's pay grade to talk about everything that has happened, and I also want to do little things to try to change my thinking and move my life back in a positive direction.  I decided that every day I'd like to write down 3 positive general things that happened that day, and 3 things I did that were good for my health.  I know that's a very small start, but I want to try looking at what I have and what's good, rather than what's going wrong.

It will be somewhat difficult at first, I'm sure you guys know but I trend towards sarcastic and cynical and have since I was a young one.  Writing down flowery things will be silly at first for me, but I feel it would be something that may help me change my brain ever so slightly.  It's kind of a self reflection type thing, but I will try to post some of my "3 things" observations here from time to time.

I didn't want to end my post without acknowledging the attacks in Paris on Friday, although at the same time, I don't know what to say to convey how sick, heartbroken and sad I feel for the people of France.  I think Eric and I were very affected because of our love of music and concerts, so the thought of something like that happening at a concert, something we've enjoyed many of over the years, was frightening and sickening.  There is no sense to be made or understanding to be had when you have young people who are out enjoying a band or a good meal at a cafe, innocent people bothering no one, to have them gunned down and gone in an instant.  All I can say is that I'm so sorry.  Je t'aime Paris.

Friday, November 13, 2015

Striving to Greater

Hey everyone!  This weekend we are going out of town to the mountains for some much needed relaxation.  I have been looking forward to this since I booked the cabin a couple of weeks ago, we basically packed a bunch of wine, funny movies and nice cheeses and not much else!  (Of course all of Molly's crap takes up half our luggage.) It will be nice to sit still for a weekend and take a break from running around.

I'm not going to lie to you guys, I have continued to struggle in my day to day life.  I wish that I could be that inspirational person that's all like "oh I'm triumphing over all the bad in my life by running and losing weight", but I have struggled to get back to that mentality.  I hesitate to talk about it because I'm a private person, and speaking honestly about things on the internet potentially opens you up for all kinds of negative stuff.  But then again, if I am honest, maybe it helps someone reading this and helps them feel less alone.  Mental health and physical health are both still part of being healthy, and this blog is about health and honesty so, I'm talking about it.  Plus you guys probably notice there hasn't been much talk of running or eating right lately, and I do feel an obligation to be honest and not blow smoke up everyone's ass.

Yes, I am struggling.  I am not well.  It has been frustrating and very difficult, because I am struggling with feelings of not caring right now about running or my weight, yet at the same time caring very much.  I have made so much progress in the last year, and am starting to let that slip away because of depression.  I am frustrated because I have 100% figured out what works for me from a physical health and weight loss front, and there is not a single thing or excuse holding me back, but I am dealing with a mental block that I can't pinpoint or explain.   What I need to do is very clear and actually quite simple, and I know logically that exercise would make me feel better and help the depression, but getting out of the door to do it is another matter.  It feels like the mental equivalent of lifting a 200 pound barbell.  I know I'm capable of pushing past tough times and doing it, as evidenced by getting out and getting my runs done when it was miserably hot, but this has been a whole different thing.  It's no secret that my family situation has fully caused my depression, followed by a side of fear and depression over my ever worsening GI issues.  The big dramatic stuff has gone away, so now that there is a lull in the storm, I've had an unexpected surge of sadness and fallout that I am dealing with.  It's affected my health, my weight and my general enjoyment of life.  I am not excited or happy for things I am normally over the moon for, such as my upcoming race, Thanksgiving, or Christmas and our million little traditions that surround it.  I have so much to be happy and grateful for, but I seem unable to manage any type of excitement or motivation.  I thought I would snap out of this after a point, so I've been trying the "fake it till you make it" tactic.  But after dealing with this for several weeks, I can't kid myself that it's that cut and dry.

I don't want to lose what I worked very hard for this year, specifically around my weight and all of the happiness and confidence it's given me.  I took the first step yesterday in admitting and  talking about my feelings to people I care about very much.  Eric of course, who is just about the best husband anyone could ask for, and of course my Lovely Ladies group, who are always so amazing and kind and rally around each another.  (Seriously ladies, love you so much!) I got tons of support and great advice from all sides, from little things such as striving for one positive action a day, to bigger advice such as calling in professional big guns.  I definitely have a lot to think about, and it's another reason I'm so happy we're going up to the cabin this weekend.  It will be great to get out of my element and routine, with no phone/internet distractions, and determining what will be right for me to start feeling better mentally.

I also took the step of making another doctor's appointment to make my case to the doctor about my crazy insides, and to basically force him to start running tests.  In the midst of everything yesterday and feeling incredibly low and miserable, I decided it was crazy to just passively sit and be scared and feel sick all of the time without doing anything about it.  I do hate doctors and feel upset when they take my copay but don't take me seriously, but I have to take a stand on this since I know something isn't right.  This isn't "oh take Miralax and you'll be fine", it's definitely bigger than that, and I will just have to convince him of that.  It truly does cause depression and terrible feelings about my body, as it would anyone if you went anywhere from a week to two weeks without a big potty.  More importantly, it isn't normal and it's getting worse.  I need it to get better.

Since I'm trying to turn things around by being positive, I am definitely happy and proud of myself for not letting this fester, and for taking steps to do something to make my life better now instead of waiting.  In the past I would just have let something like this go for months and gained my weight back, so I definitely feel like I've grown as a person for saying "enough's enough" after a couple of months.  I am still young, have so many wonderful things and people in my life, and I know I'm capable to achieving my goals.  There is no reason for me to wait to feel good, and I shouldn't hold back on doing what it takes to be my best self.  Maybe it doesn't happen right away, but I can try.

Speaking of positive world views, this article on NBC today caught my eye:  Share Kindness

Obviously we should all strive to be kind every day, though I do struggle with that being the impatient old salty bat that I am, but the holidays are always a good reminder to cut everyone some slack and try to make the world a better place.  Personally, I don't know how I feel about having a campaign with a hashtag that screams of self indulgent, "look at me, I'm a decent person doing nice things".  But if it gets people off their ass and doing nice stuff for others, I won't side eye it too much I guess.  I probably won't be hashtagging about it, but as part of healing, evolving and getting back a better place, I do want to try to be kinder in my day to day living.  Complimenting people and being more patient literally costs me nothing, and I should make more efforts to be like that.  Being kind is something that obviously makes others happy, but being kind would make me happy and feel good too.

Anyways, I didn't mean to get all heavy and serious on a Friday, that's just kind of what's going on.  I know things will be better at some point, it's just going to take some work.  I hope you guys have a wonderful weekend, and I will be doing the same!

Monday, November 9, 2015

Catching Up

I don't really have much to report, I am still kind of having my weird whatever going on, but I thought I'd do a quick update post of random whatnots.

1.  Ain't Nobody Got Time for Long Hair....

I decided for about 5 seconds that I wanted to grow my hair out until I started running into the same issues I've been dealing with for the last two years.  My once unruly but pretty curly hair has changed in very bizarre ways, and despite taking great care of it, once it gets a certain length it becomes very coarse and looks damaged.  It's saddening and bizarre, especially since I don't color, straighten or blow dry my hair.  I assume hormones are the reason for the change in texture, it used to be very soft and wildly curly, but who knows.  Regardless, it looked like crap, so I walked into my friend Amanda's salon and begged her to Mia Farrow me, which she did very nicely.  Seems like I'm destined for short hair, and I'm fine with that.

2.  Idle Hands...

Now that the weather has cooled off, I've found myself pulling out my crochet projects that I've been working on for roughly the last 7 million years.  Back in 2009 I taught myself to crochet by watching Youtube videos, and it's been a really long love/hate relationship ever since.  I basically can only crochet single crochet scarves or throws, or granny squares, which I have no idea how to sew together to actually make a blanket.  I seriously have a huge pile of granny squares that intimidate the everloving out of me!  I wish I knew someone really good at crochet to teach me in person, and may ask my sister in law to show me some things when she comes out to visit next year.

Anyways, whenever it gets cold I get the urge to pull out my crochet projects and work on them.  I've only technically finished a few projects in my lifetime, as of right now I have three unfinished throws, one of which was supposed to be a baby blanket for my friend's baby who will be 3 years old next year.  Yeeeeah.   This weekend I started a throw that I am very nervous about, not because it's difficult but because I am using yarn that belonged to Eric's grandmother.  June could crochet like no one's business and was incredibly talented.  She was constantly working on projects and we have the honor of owning a few of her beautiful crocheted throws.  She passed away  a few years ago, and recently Eric's sister asked me if I'd like some of June's yarn since there was no way for my SIL to use it all in 7 lifetimes.  It's been sitting in a box all summer, but I finally braved pulling out a few rolls of yarn and decided to make a throw for us with it.  At the rate I work it will be finished in roughly 10 years, but hopefully I can make June proud with my very humble single crochet work.

The bonus of crocheting is that your hands are not free to snack, so it's been a good distraction in the evenings from poking around in the cupboards.  It's also pretty relaxing.

3.  Molly is still annoying

That's really all that can be said.  She has this insane high pitched nose whistle that is at such a high frequency that it could kill a dolphin.  Here she is whistling into my ear, just because she can.  I love her, she's just so crazy!

4.  Infused with awesome....

I started a much easier but expensive project this weekend...liquor infusions!  It started out with me wanting to try to recreate the horseradish vodka that we love from Kachka in Portland, but evolved into several different infusions.  I decided it would be fun to make a rosemary vodka to bring to our office Christmas party, just to be fun and different.  Rosemary has that pine quality that seems to fit in with Christmas.  Then I reasoned that since we have an ungodly amount of tequila that I could do some fun infusions with that too, so I also am in the process of making jalapeno tequila and ginger tequila.  I just started the jalapeno tequila infusion yesterday and it's already spicy enough to blow your head off, but I'm going to let it sit one more day.  The ginger tequila is going to be beautiful, but is going to take a little longer to infuse I think.  Against all odds I found fresh horseradish, so I made my horseradish and rosemary vodka infusions tonight.  It's fun and I think I'll be able to make some amazing cocktails from them!  I found a grapefruit and rosemary vodka cocktail recipe that I have my eye on once my rosemary vodka is finished.

5.  Sizing down....

I feel a little phoney posting this since I'm not exactly setting the world on fire weight loss wise right now, but I went shopping this weekend to freshen up my wardrobe, and had a wonderful moment in Old Navy.  I grabbed a cute dress in a large, and it looked like a tent in the dressing room.  At first I was like "oh this dress is cut weird", but skeptically grabbed a medium to see if that fit better.  I have never ever in my life worn a medium, so it was a bizarre feeling to have it fit!  I still don't feel my best, but it was an exciting little NSV for the day.  And yes, Molly is pretty much surgically implanted up my behind whenever I'm home,especially if I"m standing in the kitchen.  She's my shadow!

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

When You're Not Made of Sugar & Spice (AKA, WTF Under Armour)

So let's go on an adorable journey today, where I tell you about a very young girl who was allowed to go to a grown up movie theater a very long time ago in a magical time called "The Eighties."

At a very tender age, I was taken with my older brother and my cousin to see Return of the Jedi.  I'm assuming Jedi is probably one of the first, if not THE first "big girl" movie that I got to go see, so it was a pretty big deal.  Since I was so little I don't remember specifics about that day, but I well remember being glued to my theater seat and enraptured by what I saw on the screen and thinking it was pretty much the greatest thing I'd ever seen.  I don't think I made a sound the entire movie frankly.  I know a lot of people hate on the Ewoks, but I loved them and was probably the very target they were marketing to.

From that day on, I was hooked on the Star Wars franchise and still am until this day.  I've seen the movies countless times and have been unbearable to be around due to my excitement over the new one that's about to be released.  Jedi has always been #1 in my heart due to that theater trip.  Not long after the movie my parents bought me a stuffed Ewok toy that I was OBSESSED with.

I was in fact so obsessed with my Ewok toy that I refused to let go of it during my preschool graduation.  In fact, the Ewok made the trip up the aisle with me to get my diploma, because even at 4/5 years old, I did not in any way give a damn.  Every single one of my graduation pictures is me and my Ewok, representin'.

I am sharing this story not to illicit any "aww" reactions (I was pretty adorable though right?), I'm doing it to illustrate a point.  Sometimes, despite being jammed in a frilly dress, us girls can be geeky and nerdy with the best of them.  And you know what, we're proud of it.

The thing that prompted this post was my friend Desiree from Finding The Skinny Geek Within alerting our ladies group to something very infuriating this morning, that Under Armour has a really super cool line of Star Wars athletic gear, but there is not a single thing in that line for women.  Apparently the only people who work out and also happen to like Star Wars must be men or kids.  And not just any kids...boys.  The message is clear.  Women apparently are not supposed to be Star Wars fans.

It's incredibly disappointing that Under Armour completely excluded us from the mix.  I told you my little childhood story because I've literally never NOT been a fan of Star Wars (well except for the dark years with the prequels).  Star Wars was part of  my childhood just as much as my brother's.  I am literally taking the day off of work the day the movie comes out in order to go see it.   My point being, if Under Armour had Star Wars workout gear for women, you'd better believe I'd be whipping out my credit card to buy it.  I'm not the only one, so why are we being excluded?  I like Under Armour and I like their products.  I absolutely adore the beautiful commercial they did with Misty Copeland, who perfectly epitomizes beauty and strength.  It's honestly why it offended me so much, because that commercial was so great and inclusive, so why would they take two giant steps backwards with this?

Could I buy a men's shirt?  Of course.  In fact the couple of cotton Star Wars shirts I have are men's shirts because there ARE no women's shirts.  And you know what, they fit like shit since I am a WOMAN.  Women are shaped differently, and men's stuff just doesn't fit right.

I would really like to believe this is a completely boneheaded oversight on their part, but sadly this is such a theme in society that I have to wonder.  Girls are supposed to play with dolls when they are kids and like shoe shopping, reality TV and the color pink when they're adults.  Except, that's not really how it works.  Sometimes us girls are not delicate flowers made of sugar and spice.  Sometimes we are born geeky and come out of the womb loving Star Wars, DC Comics, Marvel, X-Men, Star Trek, Monty Python, Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Dr. Who.  Sometimes we're obsessed with our sports teams and can trash talk with the best of them.  A lot of us freaking hate the color pink with a passion.  At the end of the day we nerdy ladies just simply want the option to buy a freaking wick away shirt to work out in that shows our geek pride.  Is that too much to ask?

If you feel so inclined, please tweet or message Under Armour, which is exactly what I did this morning.  Be polite, but also firm in asking why did they not think to add women's and girl's clothing to the mix?  Can we expect some to be added?  And for the love of all things holy, can they make sure it's not pink?

Edit:  Just a few minutes ago a freelance writer named Vicky Garza let me know she quoted my tweet in her story about women being disgruntled over the lack of UA Star Wars gear for women!  Check it out!  Make your voices heard ladies!

Monday, November 2, 2015

Looking Forward

Y'all I have just not been myself lately.

My health, fitness and weight loss is always in the back of my mind.  I've done really well with things this year, but I have really faltered since August.  I have only gained about 5 pounds (I'm still under 200), but I'm not losing weight.  I feel horribly fat around my midsection.  I get in fits and starts of being on the right track, and then am usually derailed by the weekend, which I think is typical for most people.  But I'm tired of it.  I know what I need to do but for some reason cannot get back into the  mindset of putting 100% dedication back to my weight loss.  And I really don't know why, because it's not like I'm using some crazy diet that deprives me, moderate eating definitely works for me and isn't exactly rocket science.  Yet here I sit, feeling dumpy, gross and not great about myself.

It's no secret, the derailment happened when all the stuff with my dad went down in August.  Obviously no one would fault me for taking time to grieve and not having the energy to be all "woo, health and My Fitness Pal!"  The depression and worry I'm feeling over my injuries and the mixed feelings about dropping to the half haven't helped.  And again, I don't think anyone would fault me for being mopey for a little while, but now it's kind of gotten out of hand and gone on too long.  I'm all about feeling feelings and talking things out, not putting pressure on one's self but I don't know.  I just feel tired of using it as an excuse.  Part of it is that I don't feel good physically and don't feel cute anymore like I was feeling.  I am starting to feel the way that I used to feel, and I really don't like that.  I don't like my pants being tight, or having to wear certain shirts because my stomach looks poochy.  The ultimate this morning was reading about the World Series, and seeing that the guy who sent the game into extra innings is the Royals player whose dad just died.  I mean shit, this guy's dad DIED and here he is helping his team win the World Series.  No one would have faulted him probably for not playing, but he did anyway.  So what am I doing?

And I know it's not that simple and that depression isn't that logical, but at the same time, I've got to start sucking it up a little bit.  I don't want to be back where I was.

I am 100% that the thing that will get me back in my healthy mindset is my fitness, which is obviously an issue lately when it comes to running due to my stupid legg.  But I decided last night that I can't just be like "my leg hurts, so oh well, guess I won't work out" anymore or I am going to gain a billion pounds.  I'm one of those weirdos that when I'm super active, it completely suppresses my appetite, so I know if I get back into a rhythm like at the beginning of the year, it's going to help me.  Our work recently all gave us free memberships to Crunch Fitness, so I decided that I'm going to start braving that a couple times a week at least, and then doing shorter runs during the rest of the week.  I don't really like the gym, but I think going in and doing the elliptical or bike for 30-40 minutes will be good for me and will at least be something different.  I kind of poked around online looking for yoga studios near my work too, though memberships are so expensive, but I'm considering it.  I also whimsically decided to start up the plank and wall sit challenges from the 30 Day Fitness site, which I had kind of forgotten about but remembered in my memory lane musings last night of "what made me successful before".  And boy did I feel like a sissy when I did the plank challenge last night, a 20 second plank had me shaking like no one's business!  A mere 10 second wall sit has my legs sore today, so I think doing some weight based challenges will be good for my body and just for a change.

Running is still important to me and a huge part of my life, but it's hurting lately.  I truly hope that when I roll up to the start line in Seattle that I can make it for the full half.  I may not get the PR I'd been wanting, but at this point I'm letting it go.  I've had to let a lot of things go this year or I'll be insane.  But regardless, I'm hoping I can keep up enough fitness level to not cripple myself in Seattle.  After that is the Oregon Winter Half in January.  And after that will be Mary's retirement to 5ks races and easy 3-4 mile runs.

The rest of my weekend was much less angsty, though sadly Halloween was a bust.  Portland got a biblical amount of rain on Saturday night and we got a very minimal amount of trick or treaters.  I was SO disappointed, I was really looking forward to being the fairy godmother of the full sized candy bars.  We did load up the brave kids who showed up, though I was a bit taken aback that some of the smaller kids were kind of grabby and shitty this year.  Usually we get super polite and sweet kids, but there were some hellions at the door this time.  Oddly the teenagers were the most polite and excited about the full size candy bars.  Usually I'm annoyed that we get 16 year olds at the door, but the older I get it's like eh, I'm a kid at heart and enjoy a lot of things that adults aren't supposed to do (ie like when I go apeshit and get tunnel vision from the world at petting zoos).  I should cut the teenagers a break I guess.  At least they were polite.

Most of the evening was us doing the Jello shots that I made for the parents and watching horror movies (Nightmare on Elm Street and the Halloween remake).  Oh and of course torturing Molly with costumes.

The Headless Horseman's unwilling steed

A witch's hat with Pipi Longstocking braids

Molly was SO bad on Halloween.  She was totally amped up because of the doorbell ringing, was mad that we wouldn't let her greet the kids (she's too strong and spazzy) and was just totally acting out.  She drank out of Eric's water glass TWICE, and then decided to help herself to a bowl of his tortilla chips when our backs were turned.  Such a turd!  She finally just passed out from exhaustion since she's used to sleeping all evening.

Some interactive toys that I bought her came in on Halloween so we did have fun showing her those and teaching her how to use them.  Molly isn't destructive but I feel like she needs stimulation and entertainment, so I got her a few toys to keep her busy and entertained lately.  This one pissed her off this most, it's called the "Trixie Mad Scientist".  You put food and treats in the tubes and the dog is supposed to use their nose or paw to flip the tubes over to make the food come out.  You can screw on different caps that have smaller holes to make it more challenging.  I had to work with her on and off for a day to help her figure it out.  This is when we first gave it to her, and I love her "What the shit IS this??" expression.  She's got it down pat though now and totally loves it!