Tuesday, July 21, 2015

The Pursuit of Happiness

So yesterday I alluded to being deliriously happy, and withheld the reason until the post today so that my post wouldn't be 5 years long.  So here's the long and short of it people.  As of Friday that the "scary" era of my life is over and that I was offered a job at an awesome company!  I am not going to lie, this has been a very long and terrifying journey, so let me give you the scoop.

If you are newer to the blog or don't remember, I worked at the same place for almost 9 years and left of my own accord over a year ago.  What started out as a dream situation became a nightmare very gradually over the years.  I could write a tell all book there is so much garbage, but this place was literally like something out of a George Orwell novel.  I put up with a lot of stress, aggravation, and humiliation, but I put up with it because I made a lot of money and because I bought into the idea of "everywhere is the same", "you'd be crazy to leave" and that type of statement.  I was "comfortable".  But I was so unhappy and angry, and most importantly I was unhealthy.  I was so overweight, probably drinking too much, my blood pressure was at dangerous levels and I allowed the stress of the job to keep me from running.  You only have to glance back at past years on the blog to see my lack of participation and motivation.  Honestly, I stopped doing a lot of the things I loved because of my depression and stress levels.

I felt increasingly betrayed by this company that I was so loyal to and was once the favored darling at until the ultimate betrayal happened...they laid off Eric who also worked there.  The did it right at the start of my sabbatical break.  I was pissed.  I was livid.  I was done.  I decided that enough was enough.  I was tired of feeling like shit, tired of being treated like less than shit and tired of being unhappy.  I had a Scarlett O'Hara "as God as my witness" moment when Eric walked through the door that day.  I was getting out.  I saved some living expenses, waited until Eric got another job, and then I quit.  I worked at a winery for awhile, and while I enjoyed what I did, it wasn't for me.  I searched for another job all of these months.  I focused on myself and my health.  I lost 30 pounds.  I found joy in myself and in simple living.  I began to love little pleasures again like going for a run when I wanted, reading a book and having coffee with my aunt.  I realized what I'd been missing by settling for a big paycheck and the idea that your job is supposed to be your life.

I don't need a lot to be happy, and I discovered that I'd rather make less and be happy.  I honestly didn't care what I did, everyone kept asking me what kind of jobs I was looking for, and all I could think was "I just want a job where I'm happy."  So that's what I've tried to do, is find a place where I can just be Mary.  I've been hoodwinked into years of playing the role of mean, disgruntled Mary who complains and hates her job, and I wanted no part of it anymore.  I wanted to be who I really am...the Mary with a calm, professional manner and strong work ethic who does her job very well, goes home at a reasonable hour and enjoys her incredibly blessed life.  I wanted to respect where I worked, and for them to respect me.  I just wanted to live peacefully.

I won't lie, the year to finding happiness has been scarier than all hell.  There's been a lot of anxiety, tears, doubt and bitterness.  I was and am completely bitter towards my old job.  Bitter that I was in the position in the first place, and bitter that until I got a new job, I couldn't put the old one behind me.  I was especially bitter that having that job didn't give me a leg up in interviews.  This place that's so freaking impressed with itself and tells the employees how everyone in the world loves the brand?  Yeah trust me, no one on the outside cares.  I wanted and needed to prove that I didn't do a stupid thing by making a very risky move to be happy.

And suddenly out of nowhere, it has happened.  I found a job that is thankfully not what I was doing before.  I am at a place where I know where I will be happy, a place that will respect me and be good to me.  A place where I can see staying until I'm old as hell.  I know my boss will be kind to me, treat me like I'm valuable and trust me to do my job well.  I know I will have a normal schedule, not be asked to work overtime every day and not be berated constantly.  I won't be making the money I made before, but let me tell you this...every minute that I get to live my life the way I want to live it is worth ten times every dollar I've lost.  Oh and bonus, the office is in a nice area of town with plenty of sidewalks and perfect places for running!  My marathon training will never suffer because of job stress, and I am so grateful.  I'll also have time and the ability to continue regular postings on the blog, which has come to mean so much to me.  My life is bliss right now.

So  I guess the lesson here is folks, don't let fear or what other people think hold you back from seeking happiness.  I wasted about 5 years (the other years were good) at that old job because of fear and listening to other people's opinions, and I regret doing that.  YOU and you alone control your life, and you can change it.  Happiness is worth upending your life for, even if others don't think so.  Every tear and sleepless night has been worth it.

I do want to give a shout out to my Lovely Ladies group.  This past year has been an incredibly lonely year on top of being scary and uncertain.  Only a handful of people in my life have kept in regular touch with me during a time when I really could have used some support.  I don't fault people and I'm not angry about it, I'm out of sight out of mind to many, but it definitely has given me the sads and made me feel a bit forgotten.  But every single damn day, ALL day, my ladies group on Facebook has been there for me.  It started out as a weight loss motivation group with workout and eating challenges, and it has developed into something incredible over these months.  Any time I've been sad, angry, lonely, frustrated, what have you...the women in that group have been there for me.  There were days at a time that the only people who spoke to me other than Eric were my friends in Lovely Ladies.  They've encouraged, they've voted on interview outfits, they've made me laugh, they've coddled, they've tough loved and have done everything in between.  They've ridden the Mary roller coaster of emotions. And of course they have encouraged me to keep up with my health and fitness, and as a result I'm healthier and feel prettier than I have in years.  I felt confident going into interviews because I knew I looked damn good.  Ladies?  Thanks.  Seriously.  I would never have gotten through this weird period of my life without you all.  You're special women and I'm very lucky to have met all of you!  I've never seen a group of women be so kind and supportive to one another and hardcore rally around each other through both struggles and triumphs.  You're all badass.

And of course ultimately I am eternally grateful to Eric and my family.  They've been behind me 100% every single day and supported me through everything.  I love you guys.  I'm grateful for the friends who have kept in touch, have taken walks with me, have texted me, gone to lunch with me and encouraged me.  I love y'all too.

So here's to life getting back to normal and being gainfully employed again!




10 comments:

  1. Tears of happiness for you. Such an inspirational post from an amazing and beautiful woman.

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    1. Thanks Anna, seriously, for everything. I love you guys!

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  2. Tears of happiness for you. Such an inspirational post from an amazing and beautiful woman.

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  3. I am crying happy tears. Yay you! So glad you got the job! You're going to kick ass at it! And a Lovely Ladies Retreat is going to happen, as god as MY witness!

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  4. Aww, warm fuzzies!!! I'm so happy with how the group has turned out. I never expected it to become such a close knit group. And I am so happy for you that it's all falling in place!!!

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  5. I am so so so so happy for you! This is so well deserved!

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  6. YAY! Congrats! I can't wait to hear more about it!

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  7. Congratulations!! I broke free from a job I hated....unfortunately I had to stay longer than I'd hoped as I was a single lady and needed the cash. It worked out in the end though, because that motivated me that much more to find something else out there. I'm glad to hear that you've found what you were looking for!

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  8. This is awesome. I know I don't "know" you, but I'm so happy you found something!

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  9. Huge hugs to you! I'm so glad you've found somewhere that will value you. You're right, there's more to life than our jobs and still it is so nice to find a job where you fit. Congrats and good luck!!

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