Friday, February 20, 2015


So I always like to be about full disclosure here on the blog, because that's what it's for.  The last two to three weeks have been very difficult for me, mostly emotionally.  It has really affected my health and fitness goals though.  I have continued to write posts because I don't ever want to go radio silence here the way I've tended to in the past.  In all of my jokiness, I'm serious about writing on the blog and have come to appreciate having it and having my readership, and I don't want to take that for granted.  So I'd rather write about off topics than not write at all, but I don't want to write about off topics all the time since the focus is supposed to be health/fitness.

There is nothing seriously wrong, just a low period where my natural inclination has been to shut myself off from everything and everyone.  Lots of job searching/what does the future look like fear, lots of sadness about friends, I thought my life would look different at age 35, that kind of thing.  Once I go into this mode it's very hard to get out of.  Being sick and having to be isolated has not helped, and I honestly still don't feel well which has not helped my activity or energy levels.  As I have gotten older I've become more shy and introverted, so finding people to talk about these things has become difficult.  I know the internet is insanely public, but it's somehow easier because I don't see your faces.  ;)

I have been trying to pull myself up today because I feel like I have a responsibility to myself and others to do so.  My goal is to be healthy and I am not being healthy right now.  I've already lost my 20's and half of my 30's, I don't want the last half of my 30s to be spent losing the same weight and trying to get my shit together.  I want to be healthy so that I can help other people be healthy.  I want to be healthy so that my blog can be something people can depend on and look to as a role model.  I can't really do that if like 5 years from now I'm like "yep I'm still fat, but listen to me because I'm wise and awesome!"  That's not really going to cut it.  So I've been trying to focus on what I have rather than what I don't have right now, just so I can turn my brain and my heart around and to find the will to keep pushing forward.  Here's what I have in my life:

My husband.  What can I say about Eric, other than he's the kindest, most loving and supportive person that you could have as a spouse?  I am thankful that I have someone I can be completely and utterly myself around, and I can say anything to him.  It could be the most dark/wretched/non PC thought in the world, and I can still say it and not be judged.  Not everyone gets a person like that in their lives, especially in a partner, so I know I am incredibly lucky.  Plus he makes me laugh my phantom balls off constantly and has the same dark sense of humor as me.  And he's pretty cute so, I hit the husband Powerball.  :)

My aunt and uncle.  My aunt is basically the sister I never had, and I am so lucky to have family up here!  Her husband is totally awesome and they have both done so much for Eric and I, and we truly are so blessed to have them in our lives.  You will not meet two better people, and they are wonderful friends and companions to us.  Nothing lifts my spirits like a gossipy coffee date like my aunt.

My crazy ass dog.  There are days when the only living thing that I verbally speak to besides my husband is Molly, which is just my reality right now.  Despite her wild ways, she's a fun companion and makes the days less lonely.  If I were alone, I would most definitely not get up off the couch, but she MAKES me get up.  When I'm out walking her I feel good that I'm doing something nice for someone else, and it takes the focus off of "oh I need to walk to be healthy/burn calories."  I take pleasure in her happiness and enthusiasm at the prospect of going on a walk, and probably should be more like her about exercise!

Oregon.  I know it sounds silly, but I am grateful to live in a cool, progressive state where there is so much to do and see.  I am lucky to be surrounded by natural beauty, so much so that you feel guilty when you DON'T go out and enjoy it, and that I live somewhere where being active and eating healthy is the norm.  That would be insanely difficult if I still lived back home!

My ladies accountability group on FB.  I tend to be a lone wolf, so when I join groups it's a big deal for me.  It's an even bigger deal when I join a ladies anything due to trust issues stemming from childhood bullying.  It's just tough for me.  I joined this group back a couple of months ago, and I'm SO glad I did.  There have been days lately where pretty much the only interaction I get is with them.  It's helped me to not feel so isolated, and to know that I can verbalize "I feel shitty today", or whatever the case is and have people to talk it out with.  We talk about all kinds of things, and it's always great when you can find smart, funny, well rounded women to talk to.  I love men, they are awesome and make awesome friends, but having lady friends is different and nice because there are just certain things they "get".  I'm glad I have you ladies, for real.  Thank you for always being so encouraging, cool and available.  :)   Hopefully one day we can meet in person!

Anyway, I do have things to be thankful and happy for, and I'm going to do my absolute best to start pulling out of this.  It would honestly help if I could stop feeling like I'm going to cough myself to death, but I'm going to try anyway.  ;)  Hope you all have a great weekend.


  1. Aw, man, you made me tear up. I'm sorry you had childhood bullying issues. I am super glad you took the plunge and joined the group. You are awesome.

    Hugs to you!

  2. You are a great addition to our group! And I agree it would be great to meet up in person someday...even if you are raiding my garden :) I love that you took the time to focus on and honor all these great things in your life - I need a healthy dose of that medicine myself!

  3. Aww sweetie! (((HUGS))) Been there done that with the bullying but it was from boys not girls. I do know the damage it does to your self esteem and trust though. I'm really glad you joined our little group. I'm blessed to have you ladies in my life too. We are here when you need us.

    What a wonderful list of all the positives that you have going on in your life though. Sounds like an excellent support system in place!

  4. Aww, warm fuzzies!!! Glad that you haven't completely dissappeared. Sometimes you have to just kind of go through the motions until the meaning behind them comes back. I think winter in particular really brings that out in a lot of people. It sounds like you have a lot of wonderful things in your life to keep the positive going which is awesome.

    And I think we may have to get some kind of race meet up for all of us!