Wednesday, December 10, 2014


To start off, huge thanks to the person who commented yesterday saying that they were surprised when I listed my weight because I already look like I'm in the 100s!  Definitely made me feel good to read that because I was still having all kinds of anxiety last night about feeling like I look no different than I did 2 years ago.  That is not true, but even this morning I was looking at pictures from last night and feeling like I look the same, aka fat.  So yes, I am tall (5 foot 8), and yes I am very strategic about how I take pictures of myself, not that I allow many of myself to be taken.  If there is an illusion that I look smaller than the weight I posted yesterday, that's why.  There are very few full length pics of me because I am extremely self conscious about how top heavy I am, so I mostly take selfies.

With all that said, I did take a full length photo of my blasted outfit from last night:

I felt cute until I got my picture taken, I feel like my middle looks so roly poly and I don't even want to get into how badly I want a reduction.  I know I sound crazy, but it's just what happens to me during my TOM, it makes my brain crazy and makes me feel insanely fat and like nothing fits right.  I felt like 245 pounds again when I saw these pics even though that's obviously not the case.  I literally had to put a picture of me at 245 next to this picture for my brain to acknowledge that yes, I am thinner.  At least next week I'll be back to feeling thinner again.  I'm not trying to fish for compliments or any of that crap, just trying to keep it all real with the body image stuff.

The party was fun for the most part, it's a little nerve wracking to go to a party where you basically only know your spouse!  I get nervous and shy in front of strangers, plus I wanted to make a good impression since we were at the CEO's house!  Everyone from Eric's office is super nice though and very friendly.  We did get the "so are you guys having kids" question, which always gets my hackles up a bit.  I know people mean well, they're not doing it to be jerks. I just kind of wish people could find another question to ask married people because it's kind of cliche, and plus you never know what someone's situation is.  We're choosing to not have kids, but someone could very well be struggling with wanting them but not being able to have them.  Anyway.  I'm sure we always throw people with our, "no we have a dog" answer lol.  Considering she does things like cough out an entire throatful of kibble she's choking on because she eats too fast, and almost does it on your new party shoes, it's similar enough to children.  After that Eric's buddy at work showed up, so the 3 of us hid in a corner and talked about sci fi movies for the rest of the party.

The food situation was interesting, the CEO had the party catered so there was actual food along with appetizer type stuff.  I took tiny portions of everything because I am also very nervous about eating in front of a bunch of people like that.  I took a salmon cake, grilled asparagus, a tiny bit of pasta alfredo, a bit of salad and a piece of bread.  It was all pretty decent (could have done without the salmon cake frankly), but I didn't feel like I got enough food.  We did park ourselves in front of the dessert bar and sampled a few things.  There was one thing that reminded me of homemade heavenly hash candy, it was super tasty.  I also had 2 small glasses of white wine.  I kind of wish I hadn't had my peanut butter snack again yesterday, I went over my calories by like 300.  I hope my foot heals soon so that I can get back to doing multiple workouts a day so that I can eat more without stressing about it!!

My challenge stuff is still going well, although those wall sits are starting to get brutal!  There are no rest days on those, so the seconds go up by 10 every single day.  Today will be a minute and 40 seconds, not looking forward to that!  The planks are getting more intense, I'm up to 60 seconds now and definitely shaking.  I do love that my core is so much stronger, I can feel how much better my form is than in years past when I didn't do any ab work at all.  That Richard, improving my life all the time.

Musical Advent Day 10 - "Let It Snow" by Dean Martin

I am a huge Rat Pack fan, but Dean Martin is by far my favorite "rat".  Super complicated guy in real life, but I love his voice and there is a playfulness to his music that is so endearing.  This one is one of my favorites.

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