Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Happiness

So I last left you with a cryptic post talking about big changes that I couldn't get into, but would write about soon.  The time has come to level with everyone about what has been going on, which isn't going to be nearly as dramatic as you might think.  I quit my job.  Finally.  That is my news.

I've never said outright where I work(ed) here on the blog, and out of respect for my workplace and my own privacy I still am not going to say, but if you're a reader it's no secret that I have been quite unhappy for a very long time with my job.  When I first started here almost 9 years ago, my work environment was not like that at all.  In fact, it was fun, crazy and exciting to work here but the last two years have been nothing short of hell on Earth.  It turned from a place where we played hard and worked hard to something much more sinister, but it happened so slowly over a long period of time that I couldn't see just how toxic and dysfunctional things had gotten until this past winter.

You may remember, you may not, but I took a sabbatical starting back at the end of December.  I truly did not expect it to be as life changing as it was, I just thought it would give me a two and a half month break and finally save me from the burnout I have felt for so long.  Then in January my husband (who also worked at the same place) was laid off, and my world kind of came crashing down.  That layoff, combined with some BS things that had happened to me before I left, made me realize that the place I once loved and was so loyal to no longer felt the same way towards me.  After that, the sabbatical became this strange journey of "who the F am I and what do I want from life?"  I was faced with a lot of death (a friend's dog I was close to, a distant family member, two people close to Eric), and nothing will make you question your life like death can, especially when you realize that you could die tomorrow, but are living a life by putting a lot of effort towards something that makes you miserable.

Other things happened.  I changed, but I changed into the person I was when I was younger.  Energetic, passionate, creative, and patient with people.  I began to dream again.  I began to believe in myself, and to lose the fearfulness that has built up in me over the years.  I had no idea that these traits still existed in me, as crazy as that sounds.  I realized that sometimes, the thing that will make you the most happy can be the thing that is most inconvenient and frightening, but that the happiness is worth it.  I have stability and predictability here at work.  I know how much I will make.  I know how certain things operate.  But I also know that I come home in tears at least once a week, that I am angry, that I feel like a bad friend/wife/daughter/etc because I am so used up that I never have anything left to give anyone.  I know that I feel unhealthy physically and mentally, and that my love of being active has been squelched by the pressures of being here. Sometimes predictability ain't great.  Stability shouldn't come at the price of every single hobby you love, your family and your health.  What is the point in living if that's the price you pay?

When my sabbatical was up, I came back here and hacked it as long as I could.  99% of that was biding my time until Eric could find his dream job (which he did!!).  Unfortunately things were worse than when I left, and the pressures of working here doubled.  I began to have panic attacks, wake up with my heart feeling like it was going to explode, crying daily, feeling angry, and feeling numbness in my face.  I began having memory issues, balance issues, and issues keeping my emotions in check.  I got a health screen and my blood pressure was so off the charts that I had to go on medication.  My family has a history of heart issues, so this really was the final slap in the face and sign from the universe of "this is not your path in life".  I knew that I couldn't last here much longer, and thankfully circumstances worked out to where I could just give notice.  So I did.  I chose happiness.

I am not totally jobless though.  I started working at a winery on the weekends for a little extra cash, and realized how much I loved it, how simple it was, and how cut and dry it is.  In other words, the opposite of corporate life.  I am going to be picking up more hours there, and doing something I like doing.  I ain't going to get rich off of it, but I know the happiness I'm going to gain is going to outweigh it.  I can write a longer post about it eventually, but for right now, that's what's going on.

Today is my first day of not going to work, and it feels pretty freaking incredible.  I got up and did one of my Ultimate Yogi DVDs, ate a healthy breakfast, made plans for house projects, and I did it all with a clear head and heart.  I can't wait to get my life in order, as well as get my health in order.  I have sadly let my body go due to depression and stress from the job.  My weight hasn't climbed up that much, however, the muscle I gained from running and yoga has basically turned to flab, which has really changed the shape of my body and how my clothes fit.  It's not where I want to be, and I am not happy with it at all, but I finally feel so proud and happy that I took a huge step (admittedly a scary, shit my pants step) towards putting myself and my health first.  This does mean you'll be seeing me post, and you'll be seeing me actually getting "waisted", and I just couldn't be happier.  :)



4 comments:

  1. GOOD FOR YOU!!!! I was feeling exactly how you felt there at my last job and after applying and applying, I got out of that department (I work for a huge company) and that's when i realized, the poison was only in that department. Making it pretty obvious that it's a management issue. I couldn't believe how much better I slept and felt every day. And my first thought when my alarm goes off isn't to cry or call in sick.

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  2. So so so so so so happy for you! Proud of you for taking such a brave step! You, my friend, are awesome!! I cannot wait to see what is next! And, btw....congrats to Eric on his job, too!

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  3. Oh wow, it sounds like on ALL levels you guys made the right decision! Many blessings to you on this new journey! Sounds like you and your hubby had some real bad luck thrown at you but are now making the most of turning it around!
    Glad you found your happy!

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  4. Wow, Congratulations on making such a tough but clearly right choice. Good for you for being so brave.
    I can just tell from reading your blog post that everything is going to work out for you guys. So much of what you wrote is so profound...this line blew me away and really made me think:
    "Stability shouldn't come at the price of every single hobby you love, your family and your health. What is the point in living if that's the price you pay?"

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