Saturday, April 6, 2013

No Neck Monsters

Today I did something I hate doing, which is shopping for new clothes.  Even when I was younger and thinner, I always hated shopping.  I have a weird shaped torso (that would be code for FAT) and a huge rack, so buying tops especially is not something I have a blast with.  But I have a couple of trips coming up, plus the days are getting warmer and I can't hide behind baggy sweatshirts forever.

So I headed to Old Navy with a coupon in hand, and a promise to myself that I was going to heed the following advice:  if it didn't fit, flatter and make me love it immediately, I was not buying it.  I have a tendency to buy stuff because it's like "well I need a top, i guess this will do" or "oh I'll fit into this eventually".  Then the shit sits in my closet unworn, which is super wasteful.  So I go in and start looking, and they have a ton of cute stuff.  I grabbed a few things and went into the changing room.  I was SO irritated, because even though my weight is the lowest it has been (I lost another 2.4 pounds this week), none of the L shirts I picked out fit.  Yep, my stupid chi-chis made every shirt insanely skin tight, which really irritated me.  There was one shirt I really loved and was so disappointed about it not fitting, but I figured I could go back out and get an XL version of it.  On the flip side, I put on a pair of size 16 shorts and was surprised to find that not only did they zip up easy, but they looked almost matronly.  I was like, no way is a size down going to fit, but let's try it out just in case.

I went back on the floor, grabbed a size 14 pair of shorts, and went to look at the tops.  In the middle of perusing racks and trying to find an XL version of the cute shirt I wanted, a little girl randomly came up to me, shined a flashlight in my face and loudly exclaims, "I have a flashlight!!!!"  Um, I can deduce that now that I am blinded, thank you very much.  I suppose I have never exclusively said, but I don't have kids, and my husband and I made the decision before marriage that we were happy remaining childfree.  Nothing against those who have them, but it's not for us.  I don't hate kids, but I'm never exactly comfortable around them and they just don't do much for me, especially when they are little snots.  So the little girl continues to talk to me, and I politely answer her thousand questions, and she finally asks me "Do you have a kid?"  When I told her no she very snobbily replied, "Well YOU can't come to the kid's clubhouse then if you don't have a kid.  And you're too old."  It just made me think of the scene in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof where Elizabeth Taylor haughtily calls Gooper's kid's "no neck monsters", because that was an apt description of this kid.  I wanted to be like, "No you little twerp, but I can drink, go to R rated movies and have sex, all of which are more awesome than the kid's clubhouse (whatever that is)."  Her mom finally summoned her away from me, and I was able to go back to NOT finding an XL shirt in peace.  I finally gave up and grabbed a couple other tops I liked but needed in a bigger size.

Maggie 1, No Neck Monster 0

I went back in the dressing room, and the XL tops are almost a smidge too big.  I literally wanted to tear my hair out and punch every clothes designer in the balls.  I know not every woman has big boobs, but it's not like we are uncommon.  Why can't these assholes make a top that just has a little bit more room in the bust area, or at least put a tag on their stuff that says "If you have big knockers, don't even bother."  I really liked one of the tops so I decided to get it anyway, even though it will be WAY too big by the time I lose another 10 pounds.  I went to try on the size 14 shorts and got the shock of my life.  THEY FIT.  I couldn't believe it frankly.  I haven't really worn normal shorts in several years, and I sure as hell couldn't tell you the last time I pulled a size 14 up these gams.  I decided to get the top and 2 pairs of the shorts and be on my way.

I stopped at Target next, which I dunno, I am totally over Target.  Their clothes really suck now, I haven't found a single item at Target the last 3-4 times I've been there.  I decided to cut my losses and go over to Nordstrom Rack.

The Rack can be a pain in the ass, and you sort of have to surrender yourself to the process of digging for stuff even though sometimes it's really worth it.  I started looking through the tops, and without much hope, I grabbed a few size L tops.  I started perusing the jeans, which is something I have not had luck with in a really long time either.  I found a pair of salmon colored skinny jeans in a size 16 and figured, what the hell, it's about to be summer.  To the dressing room I went, and once again, the shirts and my boobs were just NOT happening.  One of the shirts fit and actually looked really cute, but it was one out of about 6 shirts, so it was just kind of disappointing.  For a wonder the jeans fit and looked pretty cute, so I decided to get them.  Since Nordstrom Rack also caters to the very thin, I knew there was no point trying to try on a size 14 pant.  

I also managed to snag a couple of cute pairs of flats that are also comfortable.  No painful heels for me!

Though I had some happy moments shopping, it was a reminder that I still have a ways to go, and need to stay on track to keep slimming down so that I don't have these depressing shopping trips!  It also made me want to save money to get a boob reduction and get like a negative A cup.  ;)


  1. "I have a weird shaped torso (that would be code for FAT)" -- oh my how hard I laughed. And I'm with you in the big rack area. I actually had a reduction just over a year ago (ELATED) but I'm still bigger than average.

    I also need a couple tops and have an Old Navy coupon and was thinking I'd go tomorrow (groan). Wish me luck!!

  2. A negative A cup? Like inverted boobs? Oh, I would not wish that on anyone. When I was in high school, one of the "popular" (read: asshole) guys made a big show of rubbing his hand along the wall and saying "Hi, Diana!" Oh, so funny. Grr. Big boobs, small boobs - they all seem like a pain in the tukus to me! =)