I wanted to start out with a revelation I had yesterday, courtesy of the Half Size Me podcast. I am catching up on episodes while I'm working, and something the podcast host Heather Robinson said in episode #42 really struck me. She was talking about the fear/mental thing that happens when you are halfway or close to goal, and suddenly start to sabotage yourself and backslide into old habits. She really breaks it down and put into words what I have been thinking and feeling inside, and didn't even know.
Basically the gist of what she said is that when we are at a certain point in our weight loss journey and can see the finish line in the horizon, we become scared to death of what lies in wait for us across that line. We become afraid of what people will think of us, we are afraid of getting attention from people when we felt invisible before. We are afraid of losing friends and loved ones due to the new lifestyle. We are afraid and unsure of what kind of effort maintenance will be. We think things like "what if we have loose skin after I lose weight." We think, what if I did all of this work busting my ass, and hate the end result of how we look? We become intimidated by reaching big goals, and we become afraid of what else we could accomplish, and the attention that comes with that.
My pattern lately is to get to 219 pounds, right on the cusp of having a 30 pound loss from my starting weight of 245, and suddenly feel the need to stop exercising and start eating like a crazy person. I ask myself WHY, why would I do this to myself when I want to be healthy and want to lose weight. When I listened to this podcast and heard Heather say these things, it was like freaking A....this is EXACTLY what is wrong with me. I so identify with all of those fears. Yes I fear having loose skin, of working hard and still not being happy with how I look, with having eyes on me suddenly watching what I do. Even being told that I inspire people to run scares the shit out of me, because I am thinking in my head "why the hell would you emulate anything I do!?" When I read stats and see that people look at this blog scares me. (BTW, lurkers feel free to comment, I promise I don't bite!) It makes sense that getting to a certain point drives me to sabotage. When I see a 219 or 217 on the scale, I do think "Wow I'm so close to being in the 100's". And frankly that is scary. I have not been there since I was in my very early 20's, I don't even remember what 100's feels like any more. It's like, what does that look like, what will it feel like, what does it mean for me? What if I work my ass off, make sacrifices, reach my goals and don't like the person that emerges?
It's hard to admit being scared, but, I am. Now that I have a finger on what this is about, I think NOW I can move on. I think I can move past that 219 and beyond now.
I really liked the way she ended the conversation about these fears. Since Heather herself has lost 170 pounds, she knows what the journey is like, and she understands having these fears. She said to think of it like the Wizard of Oz. She said the fears are like this big booming voice that everyone is terrified of, but in the end you pull the curtain away only to find out the fear/voice is nothing but a small, shriveled man (and a creeper I might add...really dislike that movie). So, my goal is now that I have recognized this intense fear to make sure I remember it when I get closer to goal, and to not give into it. I want to remind myself that the fears I'm feeling have no weight (no pun intended), and that the reality is NOT scary at all.
On to today...I have a 3 mile run on the schedule, and lucky for me it's dry and not icy today! It's colder than all get out, so it's going to be quite the chilly run!
My food today rang in at about 1,610 calories. Not too worried about this, my goal every day is 1,470, so by the time I run tonight and burn around 400 calories, I will be at goal:
Breakfast: Oatmeal with chocolate chips and walnuts
Lunch: Vegetarian chili, cherry tomatoes and cucumbers
Dinner: Baked portabella mushrooms with "cheese" made from nutritional yeast and a baked potato
Snacks: Grapes, a banana, and air popped popcorn